Frankie was born at 3-Way liquors on January 29th in the year of our lord two thousand and nine. Frankie came in at zero lbs. 40 oz. and was 11 inches long. Here is a photo of his arrival into the 02536:

Frankie, being a 40 oz.  made a B line for Menhaunt beach to see the sights:

Being an avid fisherman with portuguese roots he decided he should give green pond a  try…

Once Frankie the 40 oz. realized there were no fish, he decided it was time to just enjoy the day. So he moved on to Maravista:

At Maravista he came across a man with a 28 year old Olympic jacket held together by duct tape. Luke was a hero, the kind of man who tells of his 40 oz. cousins of yesteryear. He knew Frankie’s long lost Uncle Heineken 22 oz.

After a long talk with Luke, Frankie was all backed up and needed a serious pee break

Frankie, empty of urine and full of confidence decided that he could infiltrate the most exclusive of the 02536 (yeah Ballymeade mofos, you are 02536 no matter how hard you try to deny it).

Frankie, being an East Falmouth  3-way 40 oz. realized he would never know the “code” of the normal 12 ounce 02556ers:

Denied entry to see his friends in the ‘meade, Frankie decides it is time to keep it real. Frankie drives on…

and heads directly to the ’shpee to grab his cousins…

With a head full of steam Frankie and his cousins head straight for Falmouth:

Heading down Old Barnstable, Frankie the 40 oz. and his cousins from the ’shpee decide to play a few holes at the Falmouth Country Club:

Frankie and his cousins destroyed Falmouth Country Club and decided to go to the feast at the Holy Ghost:

Here is a close up of the oz. family on the stoop:

Full of Port Pride Frankie decides to head to the Boulevard:

Frankie, having spent some time on the Boulevard, has officially gone full ghetto and has joined the BRP:

R.I.P  Frankie:

02536… bitches…

Executive Producer: Uncle Ya’s Nephew

So as we were conducting our tedious 0253search on craigslist last week, we unveiled what could only be described as an East Falmouth miracle. The problem is that we are not sure if it came to fruition or not.

As I was looking for inane items to make fun of I came across a post on the 20th that touched my heart:

This post gave me visions of a boy sledding in dungarees and I got sad. (Quick question though, if you can pay for them, why not go to the store?) For two days I could not shake the image of the shivering kid in the drenched Wranglers. Then on the 22nd I came across this and my eyes lit up:

It’s an East Falmouth miracle! Two days later? Who is selling snow pants in the middle of winter? I walked around on clouds for days just knowing that all was right with the world. Then a few days later reality started to kick in and I started questioning the miracle. What if they had not found each other? What if the lady in the first ads computer broke the next day and little Timmy is out sledding in Osh Kosh’s right now?

As you know we are doers here at the go2536 not dreamers, so we decided to act. No self respecting steward of the center of the universe would allow the chance of these two not meeting and therefore not  fulfilling the prophecy of the snow pants.

I pondered for hours about where one can turn to try and connect two people that may have missed each other. What do you do when connections may have been missed, especially amongst known users of craigslist?

Then it hit me. The “missed connections” section of craigslist might be the place. I decided I would give it a shot so I posted the following in “missed connections” (with full text to follow or click here for the ad):

Here is the complete text:

To the woman looking for snow pants… (East Falmouth)

… and the woman selling a pair two days later.

I sincerely hope that you found each other, it was as if you were a match made in heaven. As I was searching craigslist on the 20th and I came across a woman in need of boys size 7 snow pants I said to myself. “What a totally random thing to look for. There is no way that anyone will be getting rid of boys snow pants, in the middle of winter, in a town as small as East Falmouth”.

Then to my shock and amazement, two days later, lo and behold, a listing for boys snow pants. “No freakin’ way!” I said to myself, “what size?” They were a 7… this was getting eerie. “Where Oh where could they possibly be located” I asked myself in disbelief. East Falmouth was the answer. I’m not going to lie, I got so excited I peed a little.

Now, I know that East Falmouth is a magical place where miracles happen everyday, but this gave me a much bigger appreciation for the center of the universe, the greatest, sexiest village in all the land, the Caligula of the peninsula, East Falmouth.

I can also remember thinking of how I prayed that your little boy would get some snow pants. You know what? God didn’t answer, but Craig did… through his list. Now I guess we know why they don’t call it godslist.com

Anyway, if you two found each other, please oh please respond to this ad, I would love to interview you for a story I am doing called “The greatest craigslist hookups in East Falmouth history”.

No response yet, but we will be sure to keep everyone posted on the miracle in progress.

Wanted: Rich person looking to get drunk everyday, apply within.

We are offering you a once in a lifetime chance. This week only, we are running a special here at go2536. Anyone who buys the Cape Cod Winery on Sandwich Road in picturesque East Falmouth (you hear that Carleton Face?) will receive a life long drinking partner. (yes it’s really for sale)

That’s right $1.2 million is all it will take and you and the goat will be sitting in the sun drinking a nice bottle of Bordeau2536. All we ask is that you use more than three feet of rope when you tie him to a tree. This could possibly be the best offer in the history of offering, so please don’t take it lightly. Need some proof? OK look at the photo of the Easty Vineyard above. Now look at the view our lucky winner will experience when looking over that same vineyard.

That would cost you $18.79 a pound on the open market pal, but if you act now it will be 100% free (right after you buy the place for $1.2 million).  What on earth are you waiting for, all of the following is included in the deal of the century:

• Strict inventory control (the goat will drink lots of wine)
• Never leave East Falmouth
• Get drunk everyday (twice per on weekends/holidays)
• No need to go to the recycling place (aluminum cans are a delicacy to goats)
• Never leave East Falmouth
• Get drunk everyday
• Won’t need a lawnmower
• Never leave East Falmouth

Losers, nice people, gimps and necrophiliacs need not apply. No weirdo’s.

In celebration of East Falmouth Boozevillery being for sale we would like to take this opportunity to unveil our newest shirt design. We have a feeling this one may be relevant for a few 02536ers out there, enjoy…

What the hell is going on over at the CC? We received news that it is under new ownership and the new owners are trying to change its image. Just listen to this review we found on the tripadvisor website:

We booked last minute by calling the motel directly and the stay was great ….new young owners had just bought the motel and were making big changes to improve the motel….lots of outdoor for space on the property to walk around in the evening….looking forward to comming again this year…

Excuse me? I had to triple check to make sure that they were really talking about the CC. That has to have been written by someone who works there right? Not one to rest on our laurels we decided to investigate further. While deep undercover on the Carleton Circle website we noticed this:

Who on earth do these people think they are? Falmouth? 02536? What god forsaken state are these obvious carpetbaggers from? This is blasphemy! I don’t know for sure if it is Teaticket or East Falmouth (could even be Hatchville), but I do know one thing for certain, the Carleton Circle is not in Falmouth. Respect the zip code! (editor’s note: someone please send us a map with village and zip code boundaries on it so we can settle these disputes, we have yet to find a good one) Maybe a typo by the website designer you say? Nope… Now check this part out, this is copied and pasted right off of the CC website:

Carleton Circle Motel is located in beautiful Falmouth, Cape Cod… …we are conveniently located near 5 major golf courses, Falmouth Country Club, Ballymeade Country Club, Cape Cod Country Club, Paul Harney’s Golf Course, and New Seabury Country Club. Carleton Circle Motel is minutes away from Barnstable County Fairgrounds, Falmouth’s busy downtown, Falmouth’s beautiful beaches, Falmouth Harbor, and Martha’s Vineyard Ferry.

What? You’re located near WHAT? This is a disgrace, New Seabury this, Falmouth that Vineyard this. Hey Carleton Face I got news for you, you’re conveniently located near RJ’s Variety, Golden Sails, The Bogs and the Portuguese American Association’s unmatched Navigator. Listen we understand most business’ stretch the truth on their websites but that is pushing it. As you know we do not take our role as protectors of the code lightly. When we see injustice being spread in the form of non zip propaganda we act. This type of blatant disregard for proper 0253spect can only mean it is time for us to out these proprieters of misinformation. So we dug further and we found that on this blatant lie masquerading as a website, if you read between the lines you can still find a few telling signs of the real Carleton Circle that lies beneath:

• Free area maps and attraction guide
• Complimentary use of hotel barbeque areas
• Oversized spa inspired outdoor pool
• home like with modern conveniences
• telephone, color cable TV, and private bathrooms

Here is that list translated into East Falmouthese also known as the truth.

• We’ll give you a pamphlet with 7,000 ads in it
• We gots a Weber out back
• Our pool is the size of a hot tub
• If you live in a 43 year old single wide trailer in Wareham then our rooms will be just like home to you
• We are out of amenities to talk about so now we will tell you about the stuff every hotel in the world has and doesn’t mention because it should be a given

Nothing sickens us more at go2536.com than anyone, or any business for that matter, that forgets who they are and where they came from. So we are calling you out Carleton Face, if you’re not too cool to buy a place in the 02536 then you shouldn’t be too cool to mention even one thing about it on your website. Until our demands are met we are going to post real reviews of The Carleton Circle Motel in EAST Falmouth MA. Reviews just like this one:

The room was tiny, the shower stall was plugged up and overflowed, the toilet was backed up, the room was not the cleanest, and it was a tad creepy there, not kept up at all. We got this room for $75 a night through Priceline, and the website looked great, but i’d sure not recommend anyone stay there.

That is the real Carleton Circle, the one we know and love, the one that I was politely escorted out of by a few of my great friends on the Falmouth Police force on a lovely prom night in 1992. Consider yourself on notice new guy, it’s your move…

What has happened here has been overwhelming to say the least. This website has taken on a mind of it’s own and grown to over a thousand readers a week. This is a testament to the deep community pride that marinates the 02536 in awesome sauce before slow roasting it to perfection.

We have had a ton of feedback from our readers, many in exile all over the country, and the number one question we get asked is “are the shirts real?”. Yes, they are real and they’re spectacular (ooh random Seinfeld quote). We also wanted to let everyone know that most shirts are limited production and will be discontinued once a certain amount are sold. We are doing this so that each shirt stays unique. There is nothing worse than having the same shirt as three hundred other ass clowns. So if you see one you like, don’t wait because it may disappear soon.

We have heard from many of you with great ideas and please keep them coming, whether you found a craigslist ad, have an establishment of the week idea, T-Shirt idea, know of someone who should be interviewed, or if you just want to hear some goat ramblings on a certain subject. You can reach us through the contact page. We are also going to start an 02536 announcements page, so if you have an event you want to get the word out for, just let us know, and we’ll let a couple thousand people know.

Also the photo contest has been extended due to technical difficulties, but we are still accepting submissions. So click here to send us an entry and you might win a shirt and status in the community that most only dream about.

One of our greatest little surprises with this website is the comments from our readers after the posts. Goats like to laugh too, so thank you and please keep the funny replies coming. If you really feel like you have a lot to say about the 02536 you could always  join the message board and talk all the shit you want.

I know what you’re all saying to yourselves right now: “what the hell is this crap, where’s the dumb jokes?”. I apologize, and assure you they shall return in all their sophomoric glory. I hope you are all having as much fun as we are.

Vote for your home village!

 Loading ...

Sometimes we all take the beauty of our zip code for granted. This is why on occasion it is nice to stop and smell the roses. To take a deep breath and step back from the high paced, sensory bombardment that is Cape Cod in the winter. Allow the breathtaking aura of the center of the universe to permeate our calloused shell. Once in a while we all need to shed our cynicism born from the weight of an entire solar system’s expectations balancing on our every move. Break free from the emotional chains that bind us to our duty as stewards of the most important land mass on this spinning rock we call home and simply enjoy, if just for a moment, the awesomeness that is the 02536.

This is why today we are going to take a photo tour of a few parts of the Village of East Falmouth. These photos were all taken during one of the frequent snows we have been graced with so far this winter. It was a wonderful day spent with Insane Tony, his wife Loopy Lucy and their newborn baby. We did lunch at Golden Sails (look out for a feature soon) and then took a leisurely drive through the foothills that surround Jenkins Pond. Enjoy…

This is the old Beebe Manor House which was built in 1814. This is where the lesser known son of the Beebe family, Josiah “Ricky” Beebe lived. Rick was shunned from his parents estate at Beebe woods and exiled to East Falmouth. Legend has it he loved the booze and the ladies a little too much for his parents taste. (I am pretty sure the propane tank was added in 1972 by “Ricky”s great grandson)

Directly across the street from Josiah “Ricky” Beebe’s place is Lily Manor, where Ichabod “Stevie” Lily resided. “Stevie” was apparently exiled from his wealthy family’s estate for inventing, and then constantly smoking marijuana “blunts”. A true East Falmouth pioneer, many residents of the East side now walk the path he worked so hard to “blaze”.

Here we have a basketball hoop that is more East Falmouth than East Falmouth is. Will you take a look at the incredible, painstaking attention to detail.

• Fiberglass Shaq Attack backboard… check.
• 2″x6″ nailed to a tree instead of traditional post… check
• Mold growing on backboard… check
• crooked as shit… check
• no net… check

Even the French judges would have to give this a perfect “10″.

Is it necessary to say anything? This photograph is now etched into your brain, it is sandwiched in between little John John at his fathers funeral and Neill Armstrong’s first steps on the moon. This photo should be on the welcome to Falmouth signs on the highway.

Here is East Falmouth Lighthouse. This lighthouse has helped thousand of ships find their way into port from the middle of Jenkins Pond on stormy nights. Frosty jr. just recently took over stewardship of the lighthouse from his father. There is a high turnover rate because the family has a history of melting under pressure. (*editor’s note: I sincerely apologize for that last joke, it was terrible and I am ashamed, but I can’t seem to delete it)

This is the arch angel of Linguica I think. Maybe not, but linguica should definitely have an arch angel.

The sacred red orb of life. So rare and powerful it was once thought to be extinct. If it is ever joined with the less powerful blue orb the two become the most powerful force in the world.

Those last two pictures are two separate and  stunning bits of East Falmouthicana, but take a gander at this next photo to be absolutely awestruck:

Unbelievable, it is the Red Orb of Life and the Arch Angel of Linguica a mere ten feet from each other. Folks, do you have any idea how rare it is for a human to ever witness such an event, let alone capturing the event on film? This is like getting struck by lightning while driving an all original 1904 Stanley Steamer with a Honus Wagner rookie card in your hand. It just doesn’t happen.

Is this unbelievable or what? This is not photo shop, that is the Blue Orb of the Azores parked right next to a satelite dish that is by far in the single worst spot anyone has ever put a satellite dish. WOW. This now makes four separate high level sightings, with two combination plate specials.

It is official, we now have two nominees for the first Port-chie award of 2009. It is going to be a battle of the ages and we will leave it up to you, the people of the 02536. Vote early and vote often.  May the best Orb combo win!

 Loading ...

Folks out there have been very helpful to the goat by recommending craigslist ads. This week I actually received two tips about eerily similar, yet very different ads. Since we are all about pushing the envelope to its structural limits as if it were a pair of pumps on Aretha Franklin, we are going to do the unprecedented tonight.

You guessed it (and if you didn’t you should google what that little 2 means in the title… seriously, right now) we are going to attempt the elusive double funny. So here we go with post #1:

Here is the full text:

LOOKING TO SELL A COLLECTABLE FIGURINE BY ROYAL DOULTON TITLED SONG OF THE SEA.THESE ARE HAND MADE AND HAND DECORATED.THIS ONE BOOKS FOR $450.00 IT IS IN VERY EXCELLENT CONDITION.LOOKING FOR BEST OFFER OR WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO TRADE???

Alright, first off WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME? ME, THE PERSON YOU ARE TRYING TO RIP OFF?

Now we are going to need everyone to take a look at the top of this ad also and note where this fine piece of porcelain was listed. Boston! Yet the location is dear old East Falmouth. This ad was not listed in the Cape section kids, this person decided that they were in possesion of such a distinguished piece of memorabilia that it warranted a big time, big city marketing strategy.

It makes me sick to my stomach to see a citizen of the center of the universe going elsewhere to do the three P’s. If your going to Peddle Putrid Porcelain, do it in a way that will benefit your local economy for Pete’s sake!

OK let’s break it down:

• VERY EXCELLENT CONDITION? Huh? Why stop there, why not say it’s in very, extremeley, eminently, exceedingly excellent condition? I mean if your going to be redundant, why not go wild with it?
• WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO TRADE? I don’t know, how about $450 worth of paper clips and vacuum cleaner parts, how’s that? Could you be a little more specific here?

I think we can all figure out why someone would list this piece of crap in Boston. Because no self respecting East Falmouth resident is going to pay $450 for it. See how the sailor dude is listening to the conch shell? Well the little kid is asking him what he hears. His response? “Well Billy I can hear someone saying; “Can you believe some dumb ass thinks that you and that ugly little kid on your lap are worth $450?”"

So here now is ad #2. This one is listed in the East Falmouth section and it shouldn’t take long to figure out why:

Game, set and mother%*&#ing match! This my friends is how you sell shit on craigslist! I know why this person is shouting, it’s because they have a CAR FULL OF JIM FRICKIN’ BEAM!! What more can you ask for here?

OK here is the full text:

LOOKING TO SELL A JIM BEAM COLLECTABLE 1935 CAR THATS STILL FULL OF WHISKEY,ALSO A 3QT BOTTLE OF SPECIAL EDITION HEINEKEN BEER THATS STILL FULL.BUT PLEASE NOTE I AM SELLING THESE BOTTLES FOR THE COLLECTABLITY OF THE BOTTLES AND NOT ITS CONTENTS.PLEASE ASK ANY QUESTIONS.LOOKING FOR $65.00 OR BEST OFFER,OR WHAT HAVE YOU TO TRADE ANT NINTENDO GAMES OR X-BOX OR PLAYSTATION GAMES??

Let’s break this one down shall we:

• STILL FULL OF WHISKEY. Uh, that’s it, no commentary necessary.
• OR WHAT HAVE YOU TO TRADE ANT NINTENDO GAMES OR X-BOX OR PLAY STATION GAMES. Nice work on being specific here, flawless execution

I know I haven’t said anything about the Heineken, but to me that is just gravy. I sort of feel like we’re in that movie Freaky Friday except that gay figurine up top is Jamie Lee Curtis and the car full of Jim Beam is Lindsay Lohan. It’s like they woke up on craigslist and had somehow switched prices instead of bodies.

If I were on the price is right and had to match prices to these two products I would have definitely said the Booze Wagon was worth the $450. Even Bob Barker would have smashed his microphone over someone’s head because he would think that the prices had been switched.

This is making me so mad I have to stop, and if you don’t think that is code for: “I gotta go steal all my nephews X-Box games so I can get hammered on some classic car cocktails” then you don’t know the goat very well.

*thanks to Insane Tony and Cyndi for the tips