"02536 Playground of the Century"

…big ups to George C. for the photo.

Well here we go again. The latest installment of East Falmouth getting the shit end of the stick. A little 025threesearch turned up a disturbing update on Selectman Brent Putnam’s personal website. Brent explains that Cynthia Botelho, who is a legendary steward of the center of the universe, contacted him concerning the cutbacks in hours at Falmouth’s public libraries.

Let me just say that I understand cutting back library funding is something we are all going to have to get used to, especially in tough economic times. I fully understand the irony of spending millions of dollars on a building that holds the same amount of information as a $500 laptop. Libraries still hold immense cultural value, it is just that they are now basically museums, their value is in their historic relics and archives. This my friends is not the point of this story, it is about the manner in which they are divvying up the cutbacks. Here is our first excerpt from Brent’s article:

The Main branch will suffer a 15% cut in hours, with an 8% cut in “student hours” (the amount of time the branch will be available after school hours), the North Falmouth branch will suffer a 23% drop in hours, with no cut in student hours, but the East Falmouth branch will suffer a 37% cut in hours with - get this - an 80% cut in student hours.

Uh, hello? Is there anybody out there? Could someone please remove the giant yellow school bus from above the 02536 because it is crushing us! The only solace we have is that it could be worse… the bus could have weighed a lot more if it weren’t for the 80% less students on it. Thankfully they now have 80% more time for things like crack and arson instead of learning.

People wonder why the Court Reports are full of 02536ers, well here is your answer. This is how it is in the hood, while kids in the other villages are eating cookies and developing healthy addictions to Webkinz at the library, our youngsters are out hustling in the streets so they can buy a loaf of Portuguese sweet bread from Family Foods and be lucky if they get to eat the egg.

Do you know how good they have it in the other villages? Here’s the big difference between us and them… they don’t even eat the egg, they throw the fu&*ing egg away.

My fellow good for nothing, criminal hood rats, here comes the kicker. This next part is probably the biggest FU that we have ever covered here at the go2536 so brace yourself:

Tuesday before town meeting, I spoke at length with a member of the Woods Hole Library board. There was concern over the suggestion that the the funds granted to the Woods Hole Library be transferred to the town library system.

I wasn’t entirely opposed to this idea, since the Woods Hole Library is open 30 hours a week, the funding given to them this year is the same as the funding given for the past two years, and they aren’t cutting back on their hours. In other words, there is no shared sacrifice. All three branches of the town library are suffering cutbacks to one degree or another, but not the Woods Hole Library.

Wow. Just wow. They’ve infected our beaches and now they have cut off the flow of information all in the name of their own benefit. We have lost 80% of our library time, Woods Hole has lost zero. While our kids are playing in traffic their kids will be cozied up to the fireplace reading the Communist Manifesto or The Book Of Tofu.

Sadly Mrs. Botelho’s proposed amendment failed, chalk up a big loss for the 02536. A sad day indeed, it is times like these that even a goat questions the fight, it seems hopeless in the face of such tyranny. Sigh…

Today we have the first episode in a new series of animated short films about a guy named Joe2536. Joe is 02536 through and through. Apparently Joe2536 heard some city folk talking up the Roo Bar and decided he would give it a go. The results are fairly predictable, enjoy… (WARNING: Joe uses some explicit language)

Today’s post is the acceptance speech of the The Davisville Factor who won the first annual Sweet 0253Sixteen tournament. The Davisville factor not only won, but did it in impressive fashion by guessing every match up correctly. So without further ado here is the speech from The Davisville Factor:

I want to thank all the members of go2536.com from the bottom of my heart, and thank those who were with me over the last two weeks, those who supported, helped, volunteered, and enabled me to reach this goal –all of the residents of the Republic of East Falmouth. This is our victory and our achievement.

I’d also like to thank my fellow competitors; they made me remember a valuable lesson that was taught to me a long time ago on the streets of The 36: Victory is not something you can buy at Family Foods. You have to earn victory.

Davisville and Menauhant may have been victorious in this tournament, but ultimately, this is the victory of the cause of 02536 freedom. These are historic times we live in. Many thought they’d never live to see the day when the will of a handful of free people would break the tyranny of rampant elitism and establish a place where the cultural and spiritual heritage of 02536 would be nurtured, and celebrated.

The Sweet 0253sixteen Tournament has inspired me to act upon the beliefs of which so many have so strongly spoken, and in which I so strongly believe.   It has also shown me that individual glory is insignificant when compared to achieving victory as a team.

Now is the time we must join together and devote all our strength and resources to the completion of our united task, both at home and abroad in the big city of Falmouth.

A shepherd of East Falmouth must tend to his flock… And at times, fight off the wolves.

Advance, East Falmouth! Long live the cause of freedom! God save the Goat!

-The Davisville Factor

We are proud to present the first annual Sweet 0253Sixteen championship to… drumroll… The Davisville Factor.

The Davisville Factor submitted a perfect bracket, you heard that right, they picked every single match up correctly. What a way to come out and make a statement in the first year. It just goes to show how far a little gritty determination and speedy page refreshing skills will take you these days.

So D.F. please send us your acceptance speech so we can add it to this post along with your T-shirt choice to info@go2536.com

Congrats!

Apparently there have been some 0253dicks acting like degenerates (big surprise) and playing a little mailbox baseball on Old Meetinghouse Rd.. After receiving a hot tip from Bobby S., team go2536 went down there to investigate.

Arriving on the scene, the douchetectives first came across the mailbox on the left. After a forensic study it became obvious that there has been an unusually high concentration of ass-clownery in the area.

Team go2536 determined that the owner of the mailbox to follow is just fed up with having to replace his receptacle every week after a new batch of half-retarded 02536 “yutes” do a Big Papi impression on it. His response is absolutely classic 02536. This mailbox will go down in history as having won the first ever go2536.com lifetime achievement Port-chie Award.

So without further ado, check out the fix this person came up with…

Oh hell yeah, that my friends is a five gallon bucket duct taped to a post. I personally challenge any person to try and out 02536 this mailbox, it is simply impossible to top. This is the flagship, the beta version if you will, of East Falmouth mailboxes and will never be improved upon. If you are thinking you have a chance of even coming close to the awesomeness of this thing, let me also tell you this…

…the duct tape is reinforced with a fan belt.

Game, set, match.