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Illumination Of The Inner Self (what your halloween costume says about you)

Halloween parties are a flashlight shining into the window of a persons soul. They illuminate the dormant recesses where we all keep our deepest and most repressed traits and desires. These parties are akin to a debutante ball or bat mitvah, only they take place in the bizarro world of adults.

We all get into our cosutumes, fall into character and head out to announce ourselves to the world. We think we are being toungue in cheek with our choice of garb, but only such a joyous occasion can make intelligent grown-ups so naive. In reality we are all actually being quite transparent and divulging secrets to all revelers as we drink the night away in our inadvertantly revealing costumes. Costumes that we have even convinced ourselves we chose for some reason other than the real one.

Maybe it is the brevity of the situation that provides such a perfect platform for this brutal yet un-intentional unveiling of the inner self. Maybe we all truly want to reveal the side of ourselves that stays hidden for 364 nights a year. Maybe nobody actually does subliminally reveal things about themselves through their Halloween costumes, but if that is the case then this article would suck, so let’s just all agree to stick to pondering the first two shall we? (It’s printed on the internet for god’s sake, it has to be true)

So let’s take a little trip down exposure lane as go2536 unveils the first ever guide to a persons soul, based solely on their choice of Halloween costume. The list will state the costume followed by what each costume says about the person wearing it:

1. The Rubik’s cube: “I am going to start every discussion about my costume with this sentence; Actually, I can do the Rubik’s cube in like 4 minutes.” Translation - “I want people to think I am wicked smaht even though I am a tool who ranks intelligence via puzzle solving skills and cranium victories.”

2. The Naughty Nurse: (Can be substituted with The French Maid)- Says one of two things, the first is; “I actually deep down want to be a whore but not enough to dress up like one on a regular basis. Therefore I am not actually one so you are not getting laid tonight buddy, but keep talking to me and trying because I like feeling the power over you that a hot whore would have. I am so confused.”

The second thing it can say is “I paid $4,000 dollars for these tits and you are all going to look at them tonight, like it or not.”

3. Paul Pierce: “All I had in my closet to make into a costume was this Celtics Jersey and a headband left over from when I played rec league basketball. I didn’t know I was coming to a costume party until five minutes ago. I am extremely apathetic when it comes to this shit.” (and everything else for that matter)

4. The Doctor: “I am polite all the time and I am sick of it so I wanted an excuse to make gross anatomy jokes to good looking girls. Deep down I am a pig and I love it, I just don’t have any balls without a costume on.” (the doctor will be talking to the naughty nurse all night long, but in the end she’ll make out with Paul Pierce, who was playing horeshoes and drinking with his buddies all night)

5. The Angel: “I am a total bitch.”

6. The Pimp: “I am here to party hard, cheat on my girlfriend and make every girl here feel really uncomfortable at least once. I am the guy nobody actually likes but I am so socially hyperactive that I talk to everyone. This allows me to have everybody thinking I am everyone else’s good friend, which assures that nobody will ever realize that I am actually universally disliked. I’ll be at every party you are at for the rest of your life… chumps.”

7. Raggedy Ann: “I am a very nice girl and will remain that way until we move in together, at which point I will turn into a raving lunatic.”

8. The Gorilla: “I obviously don’t think things through at all and cannot be held responsible for any of my idiotic decisions. How am I supposed to get high school drunk with this mask on? I can’t, so the mask will end up in your bathroom sink and I will be passed out in the hammock by 10 o’clock. Oh and don’t touch me, I peed in my gorilla suit.”

9. Minnie Mouse: “I am a total sweetheart and will remain so forever. This, accompanied with my childish naivety, will lead me to marry a complete douchebag. I will then make excuses for him and love him until the end. I won’t do it because I am not strong, I am just too sweet and simple to see that I get shit on by men as often as the constitution gets shit on by politicians”

10. Sonny and Cher: (all couples costumes) These can say two different things also: The first is… “We don’t give a shit what you think, we love each other and we are going to get shitfaced and have a blast with each other even if your party is totally lame. Then we are going to boot the Gorilla so we can do it on your hammock.”

Or it can say… “My wife makes me do this because she wears the pants in the relationship. I am miserable and will be making self deprecating remarks about our relationship all night. These remarks will be way too close to the truth to be taken as sarcasm. This will make everyone very uncomfortable, but not nearly as uncomfortable as when she starts screaming at me in front of everyone. I hate my wife.”

So there you have it. A look at what some of the Halloween Costumes out there really mean. If you were in any way offended by this list, go ahead and move to the 02556.

Have fun and stay safe everyone!