Hey does anyone know of anybody in the 02536 who might be interested in something like this?
Holy shit talk about hitting your target market…
Happy Mother’s Day to all you 02536 Mamas out there!
Anyone else get the feeling this person went around their house taking pictures of everything in it, then they put all the pictures up on one big wall creating a massive collage. Once the collage was up they walked 10 paces away from it, blindfolded themselves, spun around twelve times and just starting throwing darts in the general direction of the wall. Fourteen darts stuck into the wall in random places and that is how they came up with the list of items they would sell on craigslist. Only in the 02536 folks.
There is simply no other rational explanation for this ad. It absolutely boggles the mind. I honestly feel like a reader of the go2536 wrote and published this ad just as goat fodder. It is as if this ad was tailor made by god himself for our craigslist ad of the week feature.
It almost feels like cheating, but let’s go ahead and break down the list…
1. VHS tapes-various titles. $1.00 each
About the only thing VHS tapes are good for these days is if you find yourself fighting off a mass murderer all horror movie style and you manage to knock him out with a vase, you can break open a couple of VHS cases and use the tape as rope to tie him up with before he wakes up. Other than that, yeah you can hold on to those tapes, I’ll keep my dollar, thanks.
2. Cookbooks-mostly Rachel Ray, including her latest one. Prices vary
It is a well known fact that “Rachael Ray is a communist spy who has infiltrated our country and the kitchens of millions of civilians in an effort to relay confidential intelligence to the dead, former leaders of the United Soviet Socialist Republic (USSR). These leaders lie in suspended animation via liquid nitrogen waiting for the right time to rise again and crush the democracy we hold so dear”. (click here for more on this) So thanks, but no thanks.
3. WWE Wrestlemania 23 license plates. $2.00 each.
4. Kids WWE belt. Still in box! $5.00
5. WWE Carlito action figure. Still in box. $5.00
You mean for a mere twelve dollars I can outfit my fleet of El Camino’s with front plates, send my kid to school as an authentic WWE champion and I also get an effigy of the greatest hero to come out of Puerto Rico since Roberto Clemente. SOLD!
6. Khol’s and Avon lotions and bath wash. Avon USED only 2 times but Khol’s neveer used.. $1.00 each.
Ummm… yeah… ok. Wow. If we buy this do you lower them into our hole in a bucket? Put the FU@%ING lotion in the basket! One word… CREEPY!
7. A couple doggie Jackets. Fits the size of a pug. $2.00 each.
Why is it that wackos with tiny dogs are the only ones that put jackets on them? You never see a Great Dane with a fleece vest and booties. There needs to be a study done on this. I feel like we could learn a lot about human nature if we could isolate the “dress up my dog” gene. Maybe even cure whatever debilitating disease Paris Hilton was born with.
8.Ladies Reebok sneakers, size 9. Still in box. $20.00
I am having second thoughts about this post. I am 87% sure any woman with a size 9 could kick the shit out of me. If anyone ever wondered why I don’t use my real name, this post is your answer, I have no urge to take a trip to the emergency room to have a size 9 Reebock removed from my colon.
9. 1 Pink martini glass shaped candle holder. $1.00
10. Denim mini backpack with Tinkerbell on it. $5.00
11.Framed 8X10 picture of White Owl. taken in Plymouth. $5.00
These three items are a microcosm of the entire ad. It is absolutely impossible to list three more totally random things. You could have a computer loaded with data consisting of every item on earth, running a program to come up with the three most ridiculously random, unrelated items and it would come up with these three… every single time.
12.AC/DC long john shirt. Size Large. $5.00
FU%K YES!!!!
13. Hot Topic pants, female size 13. $5.00
I just want to take a moment to let anyone who reads this know that the goat is on vacation, my name is Mike Jones, I live in Alaska and I am filling in for him today. I repeat this was written by MIKE JONES, not the goat.
14. Pink Floyd hoodie. Female $5.00
Have I mentioned that my dream girl rocks Reeboks, Hot Topic pants and a Pink Floyd hoodie? So hot.
East Falmouth once again proves it is the greatest craigslist town on earth folks.
p.s. Voting will begin for the 02536 Tournament championship game tomorrow!
When we started this craigslist ad feature, we honestly thought it would last a few times and we would run out of crazy ads for East Falmouth. Well it turns out that East Falmouth is not only the center of the universe, but is also the undisputed champion of craigslist awesomeness. Here’s to a never ending stream of comedy from the 02536!
To use the parlance of our times, I am going with this reaction: OMG!!! WTF!!! ROTFLMAO!!!! BTW IMO TPACRITTTSWTFJ!!!!
Alright I was pushing it with that last one, I realize it may be too obscure for some of you, but it means “these people are completely retarded if they think that someone wants their freakin’ junk”!!!! Seriously though what is wrong with people, why would anyone want your admitted junk? There is one type of person that wants junk and they are conveniently listed under “junk removal” in the yellow pages. Call them. With your junk.
Do us all a favor and stop cluttering interwebville with your dumbass ads. Craig would be sick to his stomach if he knew the shit some of these people assault his bandwidth with.
I am going with a hunch on this, but I am guessing that the next ad was posted by the same people. They were posted one minute apart:
I got an idea for you. Why don’t you smash your junky washer and dryer with your unwanted boulders, borrow a friends truck and get rid of them yourself like every other American who buys a house. You’re giving the 02536 a bad name. We would expect this out of some Osterville pukes but East Falmouth? Come on, everyone knows when it comes to junk removal your only options are to man up or pay up.
I guess the rules don’t apply to these 02536ers and they feel as though someone is just dying to do a dump run for them.
Speaking of the dump, what is going on down there? People are stealing the trash sculptures?
Otto Says: "Stop acting like an octo-pussy and get rid of your own junk"
Only in the 02536 would people steal shit from the dump! Wait, maybe these craigslist people aren’t so dumb after all, if people in this town are willing to loot from the place we pile our waste, maybe someone does want their f#%ed up washer and some rocks.
Come on 02536 we’re better than this!
Well ladies and gentlemen our esteemed state representative Matt Patrick has officially been nominated for the “waste of everyone’s time” award for government lunacy. He has filed legislation, on behalf of schoolchildren apparently, to make the fourth Wednesday of every January “No name calling day”.
This will launch our first official yearly tradition here at go2536.com as from now on, every fourth Wednesday of January we will call Matt Patrick a new insulting and derogatory name like “dumb-ass”, “doucheface”, or “Woods Hole”.
Seriously how awful of an idea is this? Name calling is one of the great pastimes of youth. A game of “yo mamma so ugly” is a right of passage (that MTV and Fez did their best to ruin). A childhood with no name calling would not only be boring, but it would set the stage for a tough adulthood, especially as a Masshole.
Imagine your son little Timmy (Numb Nuts) just got his license and he accidently cuts somebody off. Said driver responds reasonably and appropriately by leaning on the horn and calling Timmy an asshole. Because he grew up in a Matt Patrick inspired Utopian society Timmy is shocked, starts crying and drives off the road. Your new Camry just got totaled, and there is only one person to blame… Matt Patrick!
The other inherent problem with this legislation is that the single best way to get a kid to do something is to tell them not to. This is not rocket science, but apparently it is lost on our fearless representative. I will give you a 98% goat guarantee that name calling will increase 782% on this fateful Wednesday next year. Cries of “It’s no name calling day… DICKHEAD!” will be ringing out from the Big Toys of Teaticket and East Falmouth Elementary schools like the trill of the Seacoast Bird. (In North Falmouth you will probably hear things like “I like the way you have your collar up on your pink Izod Peter”)
Does Matt Patrick have nothing better to do with his time than to sissify other people’s children? Mark my words, next year on “No name calling day” the goat will saddle up the fastest horse in the 02536 and ride through the streets calling everyone and their mothers names as if I were the Paul Revere of insults, ending at the home of Matt Patrick with a grand finale like barrage of “toolbags”, “cock lips” and “asshats”.
Oh and what the hell is Don Rickles going to do on that day? Seriously, did you ever think about the fact that you cost poor Don Rickles a day of work Matt?
Asshole.
Wanted: 02536er with van, to perfect the Portuguese 500.
This weeks 0253search opened our eyes to a great possibility. We are going to put together the perfect P5. Once someone comes forward with a van we are going to travel around East Falmouth buying things off craigslist. First up is to buy these for it:
Look at those puppies will ya? These are so2536. They even come with swivel bases. I don’t understand why this person is not utilizing the absolute treasure he has in his posession. If I had these chairs but no van, they would be bolted to the living room floor and my ass would be swiveling like there’s no tomorrow.
Once we have the chairs installed we will add this sweetness to the underside of the van:
All I can say is it is a good thing our chairs have swivel bases, because if they didn’t we would have stiff necks from turning to see all the girlies staring at our neon undercarriage lights in awe. Fellas you better marry those girls now, because their love for you will be no match for the lure of the neon.
Next thing we need to do is get our chick magnet mobile some sneakers. These are for sale in East Falmouth, we’ll just have to modify them a bit for the van:
Chrome yo. Five stars. Low Profile. Any questions?
Up next we need some tunes, we found this nice Pioneer in Easty:
Unfortunately some of East Falmouth’s finest have already soured this guy. I am guessing by the “due to rampant frauds and scandal” part of the ad that home slice won’t be taking our bad check.
Just when we thought we would have to do the unthinkable (P5s with no tunes) a great opportunity fell right into our lap. When life gives you no music, you just have to make your own:
Now we are rolling strong, and it is cocktail hour. What you thought craigslist was out of toy cars with booze in them? Think again:
Only in East Falmouth would you have a choice of which car filled with booze you wanted. The last time we saw this it did come with a bonus giant Heineken, but hey you can’t get picky.
I know everyone is asking themselves, what pray tell are our P5 heroes going to drink out of? Um this is East Falmouth folks, there is only one thing to drink out of and it is for sale right here in the center of the universe:
There you have it, a day of purchasing items in East Falmouth and we could have the single best P5 ever done.
Ladies this is just a bit of advice, if you happen to see the 02536 crew rolling by in a van with chrome five star rims, neon lights underneath and we are hitting the Jim Beam out of our jars and playing sweet harmonies on our tamborines. It would be best for you to sit down immediately, because if the sight of that doesn’t make you weak in the knees then I don’t know what will.
click here to see the full ad, or here is the full text:
it’s superbowl time again and we are all here with lots of beer and food and we are looking for some cool girls to come hang out with us…there are 8 really good guys here that rang in age from 29 to 35…this is no high school gay party! lots of good food too! if yor interested,….bring your drinking hats and be ready to have a good time.
Whoa. When the weekly 0253threesearch on craigslist turned up this post I have to say it was a roller coaster of emotions. Since I’ve seen it I’ve changed my mind a few times on what to think. So today we are going to go through a reaction time line:
Immediate reaction: Oh my goodness gracious what a bunch of ass clowns, what kind of anti-social tools would have to post an ad on craigslist to get girls to hang out with them? Also, what makes them think that having beer and food is something to advertise about a Superbowl Party? If you don’t have those two ingredients I believe they call it “watching T.V.” You are right when you say “this is no high school gay party”, it is much creepier than that, it is an adult gay party.
I would imagine they are probably playing dungeons and dragons as the pre-game warm up, followed by charades at halftime, while a few of them get the basement ready for their post game all dude truth or dare marathon. This party must have more argyle socks and sweaters tied over the shoulder than the last Falmouth Academy chess club meeting. That is of course until truth or dare, at which point the party probably turns into this:
Yeah that’s a man drinking a Smirnoff Ice, he has a fake I.D. showing him as a teenage girl I guess.
Then I started to re-think my initial reaction and started saying to myself…
Secondary Reaction: Wait a minute, this is frickin’ genius! This is Cape Cod in the winter after all, and desperate times call for desperate measures. I have been to many, many sausage parties in my day and not once did any of my genius friends come up with the idea of using the power of the internet to better our situation. Maybe there are eight good looking, well adjusted girls sitting around a computer on craigslist looking for a party to go to?
If this isn’t an example of East Falmouth ingenuity then I don’t know what is. Kudos to these men of genius!
At this point visions of sugarplums were dancing inside my head. I don’t know why, since I have never seen one, nor do I have any idea what a sugar plum is, but they were there and suddenly the party looked like this:
Those girls definitely answered a craigslist ad about a Superbowl party right?
So around this time is when my third and final thought on this ad started streaming into my dome piece and I said to myself…
Third and final reaction: What if this actually did work? This could not be a good thing. Remember the initial reaction questioning the type of chronic bed wetters that would post such an ad? Well what kind of ladies (and I use the term loosely) would answer an ad for a superbowl party that…
This is when I decided that while I harbor no bad feelings for the dudes that tried it (hey, it’s worth a shot), I have to believe that even if this idea happened to somehow work, no good result could possibly come from what ensued. I imagine it would look something like this:
So whoever posted that ad (and I have a feeling they may be readers of the go2536 to pull a stunt like that) I ain’t gonna hate on ya, just remember what may happen even if it works…
This week while conducting our 025threesearch we came across a craigslist ad that completely twisted our brains. After exhaustive pondering we still have no idea if this ad is real or not, it is that astounding. It is the type of thing you hear about at the water cooler at work, but it is always in some far away place like Arkansas or Boise.
Well today the crazy comes home to roost in East Falmouth. We aren’t going to post the entire text because you really need to use the link and see it in its full glory. If you have any history of health problems, please consult your physician before you click here for the full ad.
If by chance the ad has been removed you can click here for a screenshot.
Did you read it? If so, please place your hand under your chin and push up slowly to close your mouth, we wouldn’t want your brains to leak out onto your keyboard.
Folks, somewhere in East Falmouth, there is a Q-tip with Obama sauce on it. I don’t know about you, but for the next two weeks as I drive around town I will be eyeing everyone and thinking they may be the one. It could be your neighbor or, even worse, your roommate. Seriously, I just checked under the sink to make sure it isn’t in the house.
“If you look closely, you will see quite a bit of ear jive”
There should be a registry for someone like this. If you bring an Obama jived Q-tip into a town you should have to go door to door to alert your neighbors. The only thing creepier than a person who would retain this thing in their possession is a person that refers to ear wax as “ear jive”. I felt like I was sitting next to those two black dudes in the movie Airplane when I read that.
“My mom’s boss has a Chinese food menu that Obama doodled Bart Simpson on”
You tell people this? Which of the assumptions derived from this sentence should I fear the most?
“It is rumored that dirty socks are also available”
I started that rumor.
We saved the best for last, this without a doubt was our favorite part of the ad…
“My mom is a hospitality technician at the Hay Adams Hotel in Washington DC”
Ahhh Ha Ha Ha… that sentence wins the “My dad is a petroleum distributor” port-chie award for most misleading description of a job by an actor in a supporting role.
Here is that sentence translated to East Falmouthese: “My mom is a maid.”
Sleep tight everyone, just know that there is an Obama ear jived Q-tip having lunatic in your midst… Or is it you?
So as we were conducting our tedious 0253search on craigslist last week, we unveiled what could only be described as an East Falmouth miracle. The problem is that we are not sure if it came to fruition or not.
As I was looking for inane items to make fun of I came across a post on the 20th that touched my heart:
This post gave me visions of a boy sledding in dungarees and I got sad. (Quick question though, if you can pay for them, why not go to the store?) For two days I could not shake the image of the shivering kid in the drenched Wranglers. Then on the 22nd I came across this and my eyes lit up:
It’s an East Falmouth miracle! Two days later? Who is selling snow pants in the middle of winter? I walked around on clouds for days just knowing that all was right with the world. Then a few days later reality started to kick in and I started questioning the miracle. What if they had not found each other? What if the lady in the first ads computer broke the next day and little Timmy is out sledding in Osh Kosh’s right now?
As you know we are doers here at the go2536 not dreamers, so we decided to act. No self respecting steward of the center of the universe would allow the chance of these two not meeting and therefore not fulfilling the prophecy of the snow pants.
I pondered for hours about where one can turn to try and connect two people that may have missed each other. What do you do when connections may have been missed, especially amongst known users of craigslist?
Then it hit me. The “missed connections” section of craigslist might be the place. I decided I would give it a shot so I posted the following in “missed connections” (with full text to follow or click here for the ad):
Here is the complete text:
To the woman looking for snow pants… (East Falmouth)
… and the woman selling a pair two days later.
I sincerely hope that you found each other, it was as if you were a match made in heaven. As I was searching craigslist on the 20th and I came across a woman in need of boys size 7 snow pants I said to myself. “What a totally random thing to look for. There is no way that anyone will be getting rid of boys snow pants, in the middle of winter, in a town as small as East Falmouth”.
Then to my shock and amazement, two days later, lo and behold, a listing for boys snow pants. “No freakin’ way!” I said to myself, “what size?” They were a 7… this was getting eerie. “Where Oh where could they possibly be located” I asked myself in disbelief. East Falmouth was the answer. I’m not going to lie, I got so excited I peed a little.
Now, I know that East Falmouth is a magical place where miracles happen everyday, but this gave me a much bigger appreciation for the center of the universe, the greatest, sexiest village in all the land, the Caligula of the peninsula, East Falmouth.
I can also remember thinking of how I prayed that your little boy would get some snow pants. You know what? God didn’t answer, but Craig did… through his list. Now I guess we know why they don’t call it godslist.com
Anyway, if you two found each other, please oh please respond to this ad, I would love to interview you for a story I am doing called “The greatest craigslist hookups in East Falmouth history”.
No response yet, but we will be sure to keep everyone posted on the miracle in progress.
Folks out there have been very helpful to the goat by recommending craigslist ads. This week I actually received two tips about eerily similar, yet very different ads. Since we are all about pushing the envelope to its structural limits as if it were a pair of pumps on Aretha Franklin, we are going to do the unprecedented tonight.
You guessed it (and if you didn’t you should google what that little 2 means in the title… seriously, right now) we are going to attempt the elusive double funny. So here we go with post #1:
Here is the full text:
LOOKING TO SELL A COLLECTABLE FIGURINE BY ROYAL DOULTON TITLED SONG OF THE SEA.THESE ARE HAND MADE AND HAND DECORATED.THIS ONE BOOKS FOR $450.00 IT IS IN VERY EXCELLENT CONDITION.LOOKING FOR BEST OFFER OR WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO TRADE???
Alright, first off WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME? ME, THE PERSON YOU ARE TRYING TO RIP OFF?
Now we are going to need everyone to take a look at the top of this ad also and note where this fine piece of porcelain was listed. Boston! Yet the location is dear old East Falmouth. This ad was not listed in the Cape section kids, this person decided that they were in possesion of such a distinguished piece of memorabilia that it warranted a big time, big city marketing strategy.
It makes me sick to my stomach to see a citizen of the center of the universe going elsewhere to do the three P’s. If your going to Peddle Putrid Porcelain, do it in a way that will benefit your local economy for Pete’s sake!
OK let’s break it down:
I think we can all figure out why someone would list this piece of crap in Boston. Because no self respecting East Falmouth resident is going to pay $450 for it. See how the sailor dude is listening to the conch shell? Well the little kid is asking him what he hears. His response? “Well Billy I can hear someone saying; “Can you believe some dumb ass thinks that you and that ugly little kid on your lap are worth $450?”"
So here now is ad #2. This one is listed in the East Falmouth section and it shouldn’t take long to figure out why:
Game, set and mother%*&#ing match! This my friends is how you sell shit on craigslist! I know why this person is shouting, it’s because they have a CAR FULL OF JIM FRICKIN’ BEAM!! What more can you ask for here?
OK here is the full text:
LOOKING TO SELL A JIM BEAM COLLECTABLE 1935 CAR THATS STILL FULL OF WHISKEY,ALSO A 3QT BOTTLE OF SPECIAL EDITION HEINEKEN BEER THATS STILL FULL.BUT PLEASE NOTE I AM SELLING THESE BOTTLES FOR THE COLLECTABLITY OF THE BOTTLES AND NOT ITS CONTENTS.PLEASE ASK ANY QUESTIONS.LOOKING FOR $65.00 OR BEST OFFER,OR WHAT HAVE YOU TO TRADE ANT NINTENDO GAMES OR X-BOX OR PLAYSTATION GAMES??
Let’s break this one down shall we:
I know I haven’t said anything about the Heineken, but to me that is just gravy. I sort of feel like we’re in that movie Freaky Friday except that gay figurine up top is Jamie Lee Curtis and the car full of Jim Beam is Lindsay Lohan. It’s like they woke up on craigslist and had somehow switched prices instead of bodies.
If I were on the price is right and had to match prices to these two products I would have definitely said the Booze Wagon was worth the $450. Even Bob Barker would have smashed his microphone over someone’s head because he would think that the prices had been switched.
This is making me so mad I have to stop, and if you don’t think that is code for: “I gotta go steal all my nephews X-Box games so I can get hammered on some classic car cocktails” then you don’t know the goat very well.
*thanks to Insane Tony and Cyndi for the tips
Well it is in working condition. What a score, the working condition part evens out the fact that it doesn’t have a remote, right? Only in the go2536 folks. I honestly thought the Massachusetts government had come and rounded up all the people that still watch VHS and shipped them to Florida. I have three pieces of news for you creepy craigslist VCR seller guy:
Sorry, but you’re going to have a hard time reaching your target audience advertising this on the internet. This is like a perfect storm of ineffectiveness. You might want to try hawking it in the parking lot at Bingo night, that is probably your only chance. Maybe sweeten the deal with an eight track or two.
Let’s break this down real quick:
So all said and done we are looking at 56 minutes. Let’s call it an hour shall we. So that means you just sold your VCR and you made a whopping $10 for an hours work. You might be saying “hey 10 bucks is 10 bucks”. Yeah well, we’re not done.
Let’s throw in the fact that there is a 27% chance that anyone looking for a VCR with no remote is mentally unstable, add it to the fact that 56% of people who use the internet are creeps. Then let’s divide by the fact that 71% of the people spending an hour of their time and an estimated $1.67 on gas to get a product that lost any shred of societal relevance 12 years ago are sociopaths. Now multiply by pi and what you end up with is a 96% chance you will get murdered… 46% of the time.
Now you tell me, would you take a job where mentally unstable, sociopathic creeps come to your house and sometimes they kill you… for $10 an hour? Doesn’t seem worth it for some reason.
I honestly don’t know what is worse, this craigslist ad or Ryan Seacrest trying to high five that blind dude on American Idol last night.
Yeah, nice move Ryan.
P.S. How about the “cash only” thing? The only thing creepier than a person selling a remoteless VCR for $10 on the internet is a person who tries to buy it with a credit card.
How can you not love East Falmouth? It is endlessly entertaining!
Loading ...| March 12, 2010, 5:43 am | |
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