Folks out there have been very helpful to the goat by recommending craigslist ads. This week I actually received two tips about eerily similar, yet very different ads. Since we are all about pushing the envelope to its structural limits as if it were a pair of pumps on Aretha Franklin, we are going to do the unprecedented tonight.

You guessed it (and if you didn’t you should google what that little 2 means in the title… seriously, right now) we are going to attempt the elusive double funny. So here we go with post #1:

Here is the full text:

LOOKING TO SELL A COLLECTABLE FIGURINE BY ROYAL DOULTON TITLED SONG OF THE SEA.THESE ARE HAND MADE AND HAND DECORATED.THIS ONE BOOKS FOR $450.00 IT IS IN VERY EXCELLENT CONDITION.LOOKING FOR BEST OFFER OR WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO TRADE???

Alright, first off WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME? ME, THE PERSON YOU ARE TRYING TO RIP OFF?

Now we are going to need everyone to take a look at the top of this ad also and note where this fine piece of porcelain was listed. Boston! Yet the location is dear old East Falmouth. This ad was not listed in the Cape section kids, this person decided that they were in possesion of such a distinguished piece of memorabilia that it warranted a big time, big city marketing strategy.

It makes me sick to my stomach to see a citizen of the center of the universe going elsewhere to do the three P’s. If your going to Peddle Putrid Porcelain, do it in a way that will benefit your local economy for Pete’s sake!

OK let’s break it down:

• VERY EXCELLENT CONDITION? Huh? Why stop there, why not say it’s in very, extremeley, eminently, exceedingly excellent condition? I mean if your going to be redundant, why not go wild with it?
• WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO TRADE? I don’t know, how about $450 worth of paper clips and vacuum cleaner parts, how’s that? Could you be a little more specific here?

I think we can all figure out why someone would list this piece of crap in Boston. Because no self respecting East Falmouth resident is going to pay $450 for it. See how the sailor dude is listening to the conch shell? Well the little kid is asking him what he hears. His response? “Well Billy I can hear someone saying; “Can you believe some dumb ass thinks that you and that ugly little kid on your lap are worth $450?”"

So here now is ad #2. This one is listed in the East Falmouth section and it shouldn’t take long to figure out why:

Game, set and mother%*&#ing match! This my friends is how you sell shit on craigslist! I know why this person is shouting, it’s because they have a CAR FULL OF JIM FRICKIN’ BEAM!! What more can you ask for here?

OK here is the full text:

LOOKING TO SELL A JIM BEAM COLLECTABLE 1935 CAR THATS STILL FULL OF WHISKEY,ALSO A 3QT BOTTLE OF SPECIAL EDITION HEINEKEN BEER THATS STILL FULL.BUT PLEASE NOTE I AM SELLING THESE BOTTLES FOR THE COLLECTABLITY OF THE BOTTLES AND NOT ITS CONTENTS.PLEASE ASK ANY QUESTIONS.LOOKING FOR $65.00 OR BEST OFFER,OR WHAT HAVE YOU TO TRADE ANT NINTENDO GAMES OR X-BOX OR PLAYSTATION GAMES??

Let’s break this one down shall we:

• STILL FULL OF WHISKEY. Uh, that’s it, no commentary necessary.
• OR WHAT HAVE YOU TO TRADE ANT NINTENDO GAMES OR X-BOX OR PLAY STATION GAMES. Nice work on being specific here, flawless execution

I know I haven’t said anything about the Heineken, but to me that is just gravy. I sort of feel like we’re in that movie Freaky Friday except that gay figurine up top is Jamie Lee Curtis and the car full of Jim Beam is Lindsay Lohan. It’s like they woke up on craigslist and had somehow switched prices instead of bodies.

If I were on the price is right and had to match prices to these two products I would have definitely said the Booze Wagon was worth the $450. Even Bob Barker would have smashed his microphone over someone’s head because he would think that the prices had been switched.

This is making me so mad I have to stop, and if you don’t think that is code for: “I gotta go steal all my nephews X-Box games so I can get hammered on some classic car cocktails” then you don’t know the goat very well.

*thanks to Insane Tony and Cyndi for the tips