J.R. Brody's Grand Opening Tuesday Feb. 17th

My fellow 03536ers, there are signs, and then there are beacons of glory that stand proud and shout to the world that the property they represent is holy ground. The sign above falls squarely into the latter category.

We are lucky to be alive during a great moment in 02536 history, we will all tell our grandchildren about the resurrection of 734 Teaticket Highway (rte. 28 in laymans terms). McGann’s had a great run and we can’t thank Declan and Bernie enough for the years of joy they brought to the zip code, but that is a post for another day. Today we are going to celebrate the new owners, Jen and Chris Palmer.

You may know Jen and Chris from Liam McGuire’s and the BBC respectively. They have been quenching the thirst of many of us for a long time with beer and joy alike. Well now they are finally coming together in their own establishment named for their three sons.

J.R. Brody’s will be open from 11:30 to 1:00 Tuesday through Sundays starting on February the Seventeenth in the year of our zip code Two Thousand and Nine. There will be pub food on the menu, but don’t expect your run of the mill grub. The food will be cooked from scratch with love and dripping with awesome sauce.

Jen and Chris have poured their heart and soul into the extensive renovations and we assure you they know what makes an establishment good, and what makes one great. We have not been this excited for something since the day we found out that beer exists. Along with the new digs, four new LCD televisions have arrived just in time for spring training and you can dance your face off to the areas best live music on weekends. In short, the place is going to be a flat out good time.

We will be updating you with details and photos as the grand opening nears over the next week, and there are plans coming together for unprecedented go2536 inspired events as you read this.

Last, but certainly not least… did we mention the freakin’ sign?!?! Has there ever been an establishment that displayed such an intense amount of pride in their neighborhood? (ahem… Carleton Face!) We here at the go2536 have been beaming with pride since the first time we saw this piece of art. Make no mistake kids, that sign is on par with the Mona Lisa, it should be in the Louvre.

Can’t you just feel the pride gathering steam, ready to boil over at any minute? No establishment embodies that spirit more than our newest, they have put it front and center for the world to see. We can feel our community coming together like never before, let’s all meet for a drink at J.R. Brody’s!

At some point we have all asked ourselves, “what is the White Hen”? Is it a convenience store? Well yes, but it is also much more than that. The White Hen is also a sub shop, a squirt gun and other assorted plastic toy outlet, and a cafe for recovering alcoholic/current gambling addicts (also, in the 80’s and early 90’s the Hen had a good run as the best pay phone in town to page someone on their beeper).

While the Hen is the undisputed king of 2:30 a.m. italian subs, there is an underlying genius behind the scenes that make it legendary. Since we at the go2536 are hard hitting  journalists, we are always looking for the story behind the story, and not the obvious. Everyone knows about the late night grubbing, but what you probably don’t know is the story of Scotch Johnson.

Scotch is the long time personnel director at Teaticket White Hen, his tenacity in roster development has lead to comparisons with famed New England Patriots personnel man Scott Pioli. Today we bring you the long overdue story of Scotch “Peeoily” Johnson.

As a child growing up on Seacoast Shores, Scotch knew what he wanted to do from an early age. He wanted to orchestrate the greatest staffing operation in convenience store history and he wanted to do it on the big stage… Teaticket. Deciding to bypass Falmouth High School and put himself on the convenience career fast track, Scotch enrolled in Upper Cape Cod Regional Technical’s esteemed School of Convenience which had recently opened thanks to a large donation by local industry legend Christy Mihos (founder of Christy’s).

Scotch sailed through the program with honors and received the coveted Hot Pocket scholarship (the convenience industry equivalent to a Rhodes) to attend Cape Cod Community College and seek an Associates Degree. Graduating from 4C’s Magna cum Laude in 1980, Scotch was the most highly touted prospect in the country. Ater passing on six figure offers from giants such as 7-Eleven downtown, Scotch took a home zip-code discount to come to Teaticket and staff the White Hen.

Through the eighties Scotch ran a class operation, but he always felt he could do more. In 1990 Scotch decided it was time to make his move to secure his legacy. In a blockbuster deal he sent three counter people and two associates to be named later to 7-Eleven for the famed register man “Henry”.  Henry had won three straight MVP’s at Lil’ Peach where he developed a large following. Lured away by 7-Eleven with a 7 year $98,000 contract, Henry was thought to be untouchable. Always having his finger on the pulse, Scotch got word that Henry was unhappy with the “Pakasstonians” he was working with and wanted out.

The move put Scotch on the map, over the next seven years Henry went on to 7 straight all-star appearances and was named Convenience Weekly’s clerk of the week a record setting 287 times. (Henry endeared himself especially to high school students with his reputation for looking the other way when a microwave burrito went down your pants, or you accidentally put seven candy bars and one of those packages of three chocolate chip cookies inside your fountain soda cup before putting the lid on.)

Around the turn of the century the convenience store industry was changing rapidly. During that time, the unprecedented, booming U.S. economy resulted in a G.E.D. qualifying you for a six figure engineering position at Raytheon.  While many of Scotch’s contemporaries were struggling to find quality people to fill their rosters, Scotch tapped into the most unlikely of sources…

Goths and death metal heads, the eternally tortured souls of the darkness.

It was a move that most would ridicule at the time, but later realize to be genius. As it turns out, most severely depressed self mutilators are actually quite smart and punctual (who knew?). By the time his competitors tried to follow suit, the age of the coffee shop was upon us and the Wiccans found a new calling making double mocha latte grandes. As the “tattooed fingers” era came to an end at White Hen, Scotch was once again on the forefront of adaptation. His next move was one that would secure his position in the pantheon of greats.

… to be continued

Just kidding. To be continued’s suck, we would never do that to you.

After losing the “overlords of being misunderstood” to the coffee shops, Scotch decided it was time to tap into the foreign market. This was nothing new in the industry, but Scotch put his own twist on it. You see one of his great attributes was he was always considered a “players manager”, meaning people wanted to work for him, he looked out for his people.

Knowing that many foreigners get hassled by late night drunks and punk kids, Scotch brainstormed a way to keep his employees protected. White Hen employees have extra interaction with drunk people due to the delicious nature of a White Hen sub at two in the morning, and Scotch hatched a plan to deal with this.

The best way, he decided, to keep people from messing with foreigners, is if the antagonist has no idea where in the world the foreigner is from. So Scotch started recruiting from random eastern bloc countries.. Boristonia, Oozebeckystan, Cha-cha-chonia, etc. Places that won’t be on your map unless it was printed eight minutes ago. It went off like a charm, and late at night in the Hen you could hear the moans of “I said pickles you… you… you… nevermind.”

Scotch had achieved greatness and with nothing left to prove he retired with little fanfare (he did, however, receive a lifetime achievement award from the JAX cheese snack corporation). He now runs a small business renting 25 year old bicycles and rooms at the Great Bay Motel to people with 17 consonants and no vowels in their names, a package deal he refers to as the “White Hen employee starter kit”.

If you happen to see Scotch around town, shake his hand and thank him, for you are in the presence of an unsung legend.

big thanks to 3-Way lady for the pic

Oh Jake’s you were by far the oldest
and of course the best
those who didn’t know you
never would have guessed
How safe it was to booze your face off
once inside your door
since it’s pretty hard to fall over
in a stool that’s bolted to the floor

You were there when I was born
and when I turned twenty one
you were there on nights I hit the bars
and got kicked out of every one
I think of you every time I sip
a coffee from dunkin donuts
but never from the one who murdered you
fu%k those fu&kin’ fu#knuts!

There’s never been a finer place
to finish off a bender
Ted Kennedy would shut you off
before the Jake’s bartender
Eric you are a hero2536
for surviving such hard times
I cried myself to sleep the night
I first saw you at ninety-nine

Never was it a problem
to act like a total dick
where else could you smack your friend
with Bobby Orr’s old stick
Video games and vending machines
and softly spoken lies
told to the one girl inside
by no less than thirty guys

And suddenly you were taken from us
by a vicious bulldozer attack
so Insane Tony spent the night in your rubble
just him and a thirty pack
As they built the Dunkin Donuts
it was impossible to take
time hasn’t made it any better
I still miss my fuc$in’ Jake’s.

Who amongst us doesn’t have their bones warmed with pride when driving past the Sails in the summer. There is nothing better than checking out a nice hunk of 02536 love bending over vacuuming their ride at the East Falmouth Car Wash and simultaneously getting hit with the smell of the teriyaki breeze.

If the double whammy doesn’t fill you with 02536 pride, then you ain’t alive!

We had a go2536.com staff meeting at the Sails for lunch the other day. Since the only time the majority of our readers ever go to to the Sails is at 1:30 a.m. while three golden sheets to the wind, we figured we’d get some pics so you can see what it looks like by the light of day.

Don’t let the word produce fool you, that truck was full of live chickens and unlocked iphones…

Here is the Golden Sail coy pond, which unbeknownst to Insane Tony is not a “bobbing for sushi bar”. That was kind of an embarrassing moment…

This is what makes a screwdriver taste so good in the back room late at night. Apparently they make the oranges go to church during the day to absolve their sins before adding the vodka…

At first when we saw this we couldn’t quite understand the correlation between this sacred Chinese lady statue and the speedboat, but then we took a closer look and realized it was the 02536’s own  Harry Turner’s boat. Once this came to light we immediately awarded 347  bonus points to both Golden Sails and Team Obsession. So here it is, a marriage between two great East Falmouth institutions…

One of the great charms of going to Golden Sails during the day is that if you ever need anything out of the ordinary, like a table, menus, to order your food, or to pay your bill, apparently the protocol is to open the kitchen door and scream “HELLO!” at the top of your lungs. A pain? Maybe. East Falmouth? Definitely…

Here’s a little peek at the view across the street, no Easty booty out there on this day, but summer will be here soon enough…

Last but not least we were quite perplexed by this fortune at the end of our meal…

Huh? Didn’t cave men eat un-cooked mammoth snot with no seasoning and shit like that? If you are cooking with every spice and thousands of years of selective breeding on your side and you can’t please a cave man then you have some serious issues, no? The fortune cookie companies could use an editor we think.

We love our Golden Sails and we will go back a million more times in our lives. That said, we wouldn’t be doing our job as the most highly respected, hard hitting source for journalistic excellence in the center of the universe if we didn’t tell you what the results of this experiment were. After exhausting study and research, painstaking testing and re-testing in a controlled environment and in the go2536 labratories, we have come to a shocking conclusion that may rock the scientific community to it’s core, brace yourselves 02536…

Chinese food tastes better when it’s late at night and your shitfaced.

(thanks to 3-Way Lady for the top photo)

Wanted: Rich person looking to get drunk everyday, apply within.

We are offering you a once in a lifetime chance. This week only, we are running a special here at go2536. Anyone who buys the Cape Cod Winery on Sandwich Road in picturesque East Falmouth (you hear that Carleton Face?) will receive a life long drinking partner. (yes it’s really for sale)

That’s right $1.2 million is all it will take and you and the goat will be sitting in the sun drinking a nice bottle of Bordeau2536. All we ask is that you use more than three feet of rope when you tie him to a tree. This could possibly be the best offer in the history of offering, so please don’t take it lightly. Need some proof? OK look at the photo of the Easty Vineyard above. Now look at the view our lucky winner will experience when looking over that same vineyard.

That would cost you $18.79 a pound on the open market pal, but if you act now it will be 100% free (right after you buy the place for $1.2 million).  What on earth are you waiting for, all of the following is included in the deal of the century:

• Strict inventory control (the goat will drink lots of wine)
• Never leave East Falmouth
• Get drunk everyday (twice per on weekends/holidays)
• No need to go to the recycling place (aluminum cans are a delicacy to goats)
• Never leave East Falmouth
• Get drunk everyday
• Won’t need a lawnmower
• Never leave East Falmouth

Losers, nice people, gimps and necrophiliacs need not apply. No weirdo’s.

In celebration of East Falmouth Boozevillery being for sale we would like to take this opportunity to unveil our newest shirt design. We have a feeling this one may be relevant for a few 02536ers out there, enjoy…

What the hell is going on over at the CC? We received news that it is under new ownership and the new owners are trying to change its image. Just listen to this review we found on the tripadvisor website:

We booked last minute by calling the motel directly and the stay was great ….new young owners had just bought the motel and were making big changes to improve the motel….lots of outdoor for space on the property to walk around in the evening….looking forward to comming again this year…

Excuse me? I had to triple check to make sure that they were really talking about the CC. That has to have been written by someone who works there right? Not one to rest on our laurels we decided to investigate further. While deep undercover on the Carleton Circle website we noticed this:

Who on earth do these people think they are? Falmouth? 02536? What god forsaken state are these obvious carpetbaggers from? This is blasphemy! I don’t know for sure if it is Teaticket or East Falmouth (could even be Hatchville), but I do know one thing for certain, the Carleton Circle is not in Falmouth. Respect the zip code! (editor’s note: someone please send us a map with village and zip code boundaries on it so we can settle these disputes, we have yet to find a good one) Maybe a typo by the website designer you say? Nope… Now check this part out, this is copied and pasted right off of the CC website:

Carleton Circle Motel is located in beautiful Falmouth, Cape Cod… …we are conveniently located near 5 major golf courses, Falmouth Country Club, Ballymeade Country Club, Cape Cod Country Club, Paul Harney’s Golf Course, and New Seabury Country Club. Carleton Circle Motel is minutes away from Barnstable County Fairgrounds, Falmouth’s busy downtown, Falmouth’s beautiful beaches, Falmouth Harbor, and Martha’s Vineyard Ferry.

What? You’re located near WHAT? This is a disgrace, New Seabury this, Falmouth that Vineyard this. Hey Carleton Face I got news for you, you’re conveniently located near RJ’s Variety, Golden Sails, The Bogs and the Portuguese American Association’s unmatched Navigator. Listen we understand most business’ stretch the truth on their websites but that is pushing it. As you know we do not take our role as protectors of the code lightly. When we see injustice being spread in the form of non zip propaganda we act. This type of blatant disregard for proper 0253spect can only mean it is time for us to out these proprieters of misinformation. So we dug further and we found that on this blatant lie masquerading as a website, if you read between the lines you can still find a few telling signs of the real Carleton Circle that lies beneath:

• Free area maps and attraction guide
• Complimentary use of hotel barbeque areas
• Oversized spa inspired outdoor pool
• home like with modern conveniences
• telephone, color cable TV, and private bathrooms

Here is that list translated into East Falmouthese also known as the truth.

• We’ll give you a pamphlet with 7,000 ads in it
• We gots a Weber out back
• Our pool is the size of a hot tub
• If you live in a 43 year old single wide trailer in Wareham then our rooms will be just like home to you
• We are out of amenities to talk about so now we will tell you about the stuff every hotel in the world has and doesn’t mention because it should be a given

Nothing sickens us more at go2536.com than anyone, or any business for that matter, that forgets who they are and where they came from. So we are calling you out Carleton Face, if you’re not too cool to buy a place in the 02536 then you shouldn’t be too cool to mention even one thing about it on your website. Until our demands are met we are going to post real reviews of The Carleton Circle Motel in EAST Falmouth MA. Reviews just like this one:

The room was tiny, the shower stall was plugged up and overflowed, the toilet was backed up, the room was not the cleanest, and it was a tad creepy there, not kept up at all. We got this room for $75 a night through Priceline, and the website looked great, but i’d sure not recommend anyone stay there.

That is the real Carleton Circle, the one we know and love, the one that I was politely escorted out of by a few of my great friends on the Falmouth Police force on a lovely prom night in 1992. Consider yourself on notice new guy, it’s your move…

Ladies and Gentleman of the 02536, Monday is usually Establishment of the Week day here at the go2536, but today we are going to do it a little different. Upon heeding the cries of a few of our facebook brethren, we decided to feature a Hatchville establishment this week. We will still do this, but first we would like to touch on something else. Something has come to light that has made us not only change our format, but it has also forced us to use the unprecedented, ever feared and dangerous parentheses within parentheses in the title of this post. (We have tried the double parenthesis in practice, but this is the first time we have attempted it in actual competition)

As we 025thresearched Hatchville, something became more and more clear, and it was painful my friends. Hatchville is of course sometimes lost in the shuffle today (Our friend Chris has said it is the “red-headed stepchild” of the 02536 and our friend Brett says it is “the other 02536″, either way there is a cry for recognition trickling out of Hatchville). We all know about Hatchville not having it’s own post office and of course the controversy surrounding the sending of the elementary aged students to the 02556. What many don’t know is that Hatchville has a much deeper and historical pattern of irreverence in the eyes of outsiders.

For instance Hatchville, although we call it a village, is technically a part of East Falmouth. It is not a census-designated place in the eyes of the United States Government. This is nothing new either, Hatchville did have a post office as early as 1858, which to any reasonable person today would indicate village status, but the 1880 Barnstable County Atlas still did not refer to Hatchville as a village even then. (reason #374 to form our own county)

It is outrageous that Hatchville has had to deal with this as long as they have. What is more outrageous is that even I, the goat, a staunch 02536sarian was not aware of the depth and historical significance of our brothers and sisters pain. Maybe it is coincidence that this came to light on the birthday of a man who did unparalleled work for a people’s struggles, maybe not. Either way it can not be avoided in this conversation on this day.

It can also be said that to mention the struggles of the VILLAGE of Hatchville in the same breath as the struggles of our African American brothers and sisters is blasphemy, as they (Hatchville’s struggles)  most certainly pale in comparison. This would be a valid point, but so would be the point that on such a historic day, peoples sense of unity is heightened by the memory of Martin Luther King. What better way to extend his legacy than to continue his message of unity while evoking his spirit, therefore in our own small way allowing him continue his work even after death.

Let us stop the cycle and embrace Hatchville as a sovereign village, no more jokes about how they are out there making wheat grass shakes with their solar powered blenders. Hatchville should be seen as an equal village in the eyes of all citizens of the 02536. We may not be able to build them a post office or an elementary school, but we can do our part by changing the collective consciousness of the rest of the 02536.

Since 1858, Hatchville… now you kno2536.

It is now time for the 02536 Establishment of the Week. Today’s establishment is one that most peeps probably don’t know about, but it has two big things going for it. It is in Hatchville and it is a place born of creativity. One of our favorite MLK quotes is: “Almost always, the creative dedicated minority has made the world better.” and this establishment fits right into that realm.

Hatchville Pottery is the studio of Hollis Engley and can be visited year round. “Hollis makes functional work, pots intended for coffee and tea, oatmeal and stew, salads, pasta, soup and stir-fried tofu with garlic and red chile.” So give him a call and go check out his work, or at least click here to go to the website and have a look around.

Support your local artisans, and support Hatchville!

This weeks establishment is also a 2009 nominee for the coveted go2536 lifetime achievement award. This company represents everything we stand for. Ladies and gentleman we are proud to announce Video Paradise as this weeks go2536 establishment of the week.

The Paradise thrived for many years on the majestic Teaticket Highway during what is now known as the Golden Era of VHS. What eventually came to pass was what inevitably happens within any strong consumer market, soon the vultures moved in. When the evil giant known as Blockbuster opened shop  just down the street, the great people of VP knew they had a David and Goliath situation on their hands.

Now this is where it gets good. Did they stubbornly fight a hopeless battle? Did they give up and shut down? No! They used some good old fashioned 02536 ingenuity. They did what only a seasoned veteran would think to do, they moved further east. When threatened, some will cower and some will fight an ill-advised war out of pride, but like true go2536 intelligentsia, The Paradise re-grouped and entrenched themselves even deeper into their own territory. They lived to fight another day by burrowing into the bosom of the 02536 at 426 East Falmouth Highway.

The story of the Video Paradise is a story of survival, chalk one up for the local guy. Chalk one up for the 02536.

Video Paradise has managed to stay open for 24 years in two different locations in an industry dominated by national chains. We believe this is a testament, not only to the Video Paradise, but to us as a zip code. It gives us the warm fuzzies to know that there are still people out there who place value in helping the local economy. That there are still people that would rather see a friendly face than deal with automated robots in uniforms who have no vested interest in your satisfaction. That there are still people too lazy to drive down to blockbuster so they say screw it we’ll go to that place next to the old Dunkin’ Donuts.

Whatever the reason may be, Video Paradise stands triumphantly in the Town & Country Shops complex as a beacon of hope. It is a shining light in dark times and a symbol of perseverance, determination and grit. We can all learn something from the Video Paradise my friends, and the lesson is this: Provide a service to the citizens of East Falmouth that they would otherwise have to go all the way to Teaticket for, and you will make it in this world.(Do it right next to a liquor store and your sitting on a goldmine)

Godspeed Video Paradise, here is to another 24 years!

Food and Beer at a movie theater, what I mean is BEER! at a movie theater!? This is the best idea anyone has had since ketchup in a squeeze bottle.

Really, why did it take so long to put ketchup in a squeeze bottle? How many years did we all spend acting like complete idiots trying to get ketchup out of a glass bottle. Add all of those moments up and we have all wasted years of our lives. The first cheap and viable plastics came in 1909. it is a pimple on the ass of the human race that nobody thought of ketchup in a squeeze bottle for eighty some odd years. But I digress.

Speaking of shame, it is one of the great shames of the 02536 that a movie theater that serves BEER! would go out of business in our zip code. It is inexcusable and every citizen of the 02536 that is reading this should slap themselves across the head for it right now. Seriously, do it. Now.

I for one would like to see this concept expanded upon. How about a barber shop that serves BEER! You would probably have to drink your BEER! out of a straw, but who are we to complain? Anything with a wait should have BEER!, that is just a no brainer. Doctor’s offices, dentist offices, the oil change place, court etc. Wal-Mart, every other aisle should have a bar in it. The UPS store should serve BEER! I know I would join the gym if they had BEER! Real Estate agents should serve BEER! when they drive people around showing houses, imagine the increase in sales, who doesn’t want to buy a house after drinking a six-pack?

Anyway, this is a plea to all who have a shred of entrepreneurial spirit. I beg of you, a zip code begs of you, please buy the (East) Falmouth Cinema Pub and return it to its former glory. I assure you that we at the go2536 will do our part to urge the residents of our fabled village to patronize your esteemed establishment. It will be with great fervor that we will ignite the people of the 02536 into a frenzy resulting in blind, rampant spending of money on such great american pastimes as movies and BEER! And now, without further ado, we give you a gorilla playing bagpipes…

P.S. How does anything that serves alcohol of any type go out of business in East Falmouth, it just doesn’t make sense. Someone please explain this.

Here it is folks, the East Falmouth establishment of the week. D’s Home Again on Rte. 28.

Now we here at the go2 are going to be honest, we’ve never set foot in the place. In fact we have no idea what they even sell. From the looks of the photo we’re guessing chairs and some type of empty bottles.

So we’re going to go out on a limb and guess that if we haven’t been there, then you haven’t been there either. This is inexcusable, we must rush to the aid of this fine vendor and sell them out of their wares at once!

Consider this your personal invitation to come on down to D’s, and get there soon because they could be on their last leg in this economy. Now that we think of it there is probably an 83% chance this place is already out of business.  I mean we haven’t even noticed it in a while and we got the photo from google images. Someone take a look over there next time you’re filling up at Johnny’s and let us know. If they’re still open we’ll… oh screw it, stay home and buy a t-shirt instead.