At some point we have all asked ourselves, “what is the White Hen”? Is it a convenience store? Well yes, but it is also much more than that. The White Hen is also a sub shop, a squirt gun and other assorted plastic toy outlet, and a cafe for recovering alcoholic/current gambling addicts (also, in the 80’s and early 90’s the Hen had a good run as the best pay phone in town to page someone on their beeper).

While the Hen is the undisputed king of 2:30 a.m. italian subs, there is an underlying genius behind the scenes that make it legendary. Since we at the go2536 are hard hitting  journalists, we are always looking for the story behind the story, and not the obvious. Everyone knows about the late night grubbing, but what you probably don’t know is the story of Scotch Johnson.

Scotch is the long time personnel director at Teaticket White Hen, his tenacity in roster development has lead to comparisons with famed New England Patriots personnel man Scott Pioli. Today we bring you the long overdue story of Scotch “Peeoily” Johnson.

As a child growing up on Seacoast Shores, Scotch knew what he wanted to do from an early age. He wanted to orchestrate the greatest staffing operation in convenience store history and he wanted to do it on the big stage… Teaticket. Deciding to bypass Falmouth High School and put himself on the convenience career fast track, Scotch enrolled in Upper Cape Cod Regional Technical’s esteemed School of Convenience which had recently opened thanks to a large donation by local industry legend Christy Mihos (founder of Christy’s).

Scotch sailed through the program with honors and received the coveted Hot Pocket scholarship (the convenience industry equivalent to a Rhodes) to attend Cape Cod Community College and seek an Associates Degree. Graduating from 4C’s Magna cum Laude in 1980, Scotch was the most highly touted prospect in the country. Ater passing on six figure offers from giants such as 7-Eleven downtown, Scotch took a home zip-code discount to come to Teaticket and staff the White Hen.

Through the eighties Scotch ran a class operation, but he always felt he could do more. In 1990 Scotch decided it was time to make his move to secure his legacy. In a blockbuster deal he sent three counter people and two associates to be named later to 7-Eleven for the famed register man “Henry”.  Henry had won three straight MVP’s at Lil’ Peach where he developed a large following. Lured away by 7-Eleven with a 7 year $98,000 contract, Henry was thought to be untouchable. Always having his finger on the pulse, Scotch got word that Henry was unhappy with the “Pakasstonians” he was working with and wanted out.

The move put Scotch on the map, over the next seven years Henry went on to 7 straight all-star appearances and was named Convenience Weekly’s clerk of the week a record setting 287 times. (Henry endeared himself especially to high school students with his reputation for looking the other way when a microwave burrito went down your pants, or you accidentally put seven candy bars and one of those packages of three chocolate chip cookies inside your fountain soda cup before putting the lid on.)

Around the turn of the century the convenience store industry was changing rapidly. During that time, the unprecedented, booming U.S. economy resulted in a G.E.D. qualifying you for a six figure engineering position at Raytheon.  While many of Scotch’s contemporaries were struggling to find quality people to fill their rosters, Scotch tapped into the most unlikely of sources…

Goths and death metal heads, the eternally tortured souls of the darkness.

It was a move that most would ridicule at the time, but later realize to be genius. As it turns out, most severely depressed self mutilators are actually quite smart and punctual (who knew?). By the time his competitors tried to follow suit, the age of the coffee shop was upon us and the Wiccans found a new calling making double mocha latte grandes. As the “tattooed fingers” era came to an end at White Hen, Scotch was once again on the forefront of adaptation. His next move was one that would secure his position in the pantheon of greats.

… to be continued

Just kidding. To be continued’s suck, we would never do that to you.

After losing the “overlords of being misunderstood” to the coffee shops, Scotch decided it was time to tap into the foreign market. This was nothing new in the industry, but Scotch put his own twist on it. You see one of his great attributes was he was always considered a “players manager”, meaning people wanted to work for him, he looked out for his people.

Knowing that many foreigners get hassled by late night drunks and punk kids, Scotch brainstormed a way to keep his employees protected. White Hen employees have extra interaction with drunk people due to the delicious nature of a White Hen sub at two in the morning, and Scotch hatched a plan to deal with this.

The best way, he decided, to keep people from messing with foreigners, is if the antagonist has no idea where in the world the foreigner is from. So Scotch started recruiting from random eastern bloc countries.. Boristonia, Oozebeckystan, Cha-cha-chonia, etc. Places that won’t be on your map unless it was printed eight minutes ago. It went off like a charm, and late at night in the Hen you could hear the moans of “I said pickles you… you… you… nevermind.”

Scotch had achieved greatness and with nothing left to prove he retired with little fanfare (he did, however, receive a lifetime achievement award from the JAX cheese snack corporation). He now runs a small business renting 25 year old bicycles and rooms at the Great Bay Motel to people with 17 consonants and no vowels in their names, a package deal he refers to as the “White Hen employee starter kit”.

If you happen to see Scotch around town, shake his hand and thank him, for you are in the presence of an unsung legend.