On the day of January the fifteenth in the year of our lord two thousand and ten a great event took place right under our very noses.  On this day the 02536 was partly responsible for a great victory on the courts of the Robert V. Antonucci field house (which $80,000,000 dollars later, looks suspiciously exactly the same as when the goat was grazing in the lacrosse field out back on a daily basis, but I digress) We will get back to the great victory, but for now we must go back to earlier in the day to explain the significance of the 02536s involvement.

On the previously mentioned day a great leader of the 02536, a shaper of young minds, Paul Lundberg, brought forth 14 warriors dressed in the maroon and white battle gear of the mother town. These young men are the Falmouth High School varsity boys basketball team, and the site of their visit was none other than the East Falmouth Elementary School. This may seem like a trivial event which may be commonplace in some communities, but there is a twist to this story. The Athletes were not walking in as unkown, faceless entities, you see they were meeting their friends.

At the beginning of every basketball season Coach Lundberg assigns each child in his fourth grade class to one of the members of the varsity basketball team and they become pen pals. A novel idea and a great addition to the youngsters of the 02536 early educational experiences, but it does not stop there. While the day the basketball team comes to school is no doubt one the children look forward to, it is only the beginning of the 0253spectacle to continue on into the night.

The Clippers take to the court a few hours later and it is not just any other night, ladies and gentleman, the evening is TITLED East Falmouth Night! That’s right the 02536 is not only being represented, but celebrated on this evening. With most children from the East Falmouth Elementary in attendance, the evening starts off with every Falmouth player and his respective pen pal being introduced together.

As the game nears it is the children of the 02536, the apples of the center of the universe, the chosen ones, who sing the national anthem. At halftime the Easty little ones git down and boogie on the court with the Falmouth cheerleaders. (In the goats experience for most 02536 bred boys this will not be the last time they do this)

At the opening of this article, we claimed the 02536 was partly responsible for a great victory that day. The Falmouth Basketball Team took it to Plymouth North that beautiful night and tallied a 24 point victory, winning the battle 70-46. If you don’t think that the team and the students of East Falmouth Elementary were working together as one in order to win that game then you know nothing of the camaraderie of athletics.

In front of the largest crowd for a game this season some of the Falmouth school systems oldest students and some of its youngest simultaneously learned a life lesson that no classroom can teach, they learned about community, and that my friends is the spirit of East Falmouth Night. That is also why it is an event worthy of waking the slumbering goat and forcing him to action.

Ladies and Gentlemen of the 02536 this event happened with no pomp or circumstance and would go untold had it not been for the many ears of the stewards of the center of the universe on the street. (Namely Uncle Ya’s Nephew)

Since the Basketball team is doing their part for the community we think it is time for the community do their part for the basketball team. This Friday the 5th of February first place in the ACL will be on the line when Falmouth squares off against Marshfield at 6:30 p.m. The last time these two teams played Marshfield claimed victory in front of a large and boisterous crowd on their home turf.

Let us, the 02536 rally behind these young men who have selflessly given their time to our village and children and show up in record numbers to help them claim the league lead on their way to the State Tournement.

Godspeed Falmouth Basketball players, Coaches Lundberg and Patterson, and godspeed to the 02536!

p.s. Yes the rumors are true, Joe2536 went to the Highfield Ball and our cameras captured it, stay tuned for episode 2 of the Adventures of Joe2536.

Well here we go again. The latest installment of East Falmouth getting the shit end of the stick. A little 025threesearch turned up a disturbing update on Selectman Brent Putnam’s personal website. Brent explains that Cynthia Botelho, who is a legendary steward of the center of the universe, contacted him concerning the cutbacks in hours at Falmouth’s public libraries.

Let me just say that I understand cutting back library funding is something we are all going to have to get used to, especially in tough economic times. I fully understand the irony of spending millions of dollars on a building that holds the same amount of information as a $500 laptop. Libraries still hold immense cultural value, it is just that they are now basically museums, their value is in their historic relics and archives. This my friends is not the point of this story, it is about the manner in which they are divvying up the cutbacks. Here is our first excerpt from Brent’s article:

The Main branch will suffer a 15% cut in hours, with an 8% cut in “student hours” (the amount of time the branch will be available after school hours), the North Falmouth branch will suffer a 23% drop in hours, with no cut in student hours, but the East Falmouth branch will suffer a 37% cut in hours with - get this - an 80% cut in student hours.

Uh, hello? Is there anybody out there? Could someone please remove the giant yellow school bus from above the 02536 because it is crushing us! The only solace we have is that it could be worse… the bus could have weighed a lot more if it weren’t for the 80% less students on it. Thankfully they now have 80% more time for things like crack and arson instead of learning.

People wonder why the Court Reports are full of 02536ers, well here is your answer. This is how it is in the hood, while kids in the other villages are eating cookies and developing healthy addictions to Webkinz at the library, our youngsters are out hustling in the streets so they can buy a loaf of Portuguese sweet bread from Family Foods and be lucky if they get to eat the egg.

Do you know how good they have it in the other villages? Here’s the big difference between us and them… they don’t even eat the egg, they throw the fu&*ing egg away.

My fellow good for nothing, criminal hood rats, here comes the kicker. This next part is probably the biggest FU that we have ever covered here at the go2536 so brace yourself:

Tuesday before town meeting, I spoke at length with a member of the Woods Hole Library board. There was concern over the suggestion that the the funds granted to the Woods Hole Library be transferred to the town library system.

I wasn’t entirely opposed to this idea, since the Woods Hole Library is open 30 hours a week, the funding given to them this year is the same as the funding given for the past two years, and they aren’t cutting back on their hours. In other words, there is no shared sacrifice. All three branches of the town library are suffering cutbacks to one degree or another, but not the Woods Hole Library.

Wow. Just wow. They’ve infected our beaches and now they have cut off the flow of information all in the name of their own benefit. We have lost 80% of our library time, Woods Hole has lost zero. While our kids are playing in traffic their kids will be cozied up to the fireplace reading the Communist Manifesto or The Book Of Tofu.

Sadly Mrs. Botelho’s proposed amendment failed, chalk up a big loss for the 02536. A sad day indeed, it is times like these that even a goat questions the fight, it seems hopeless in the face of such tyranny. Sigh…

The Cape Cod Times is reporting that Menauhant Beach is not going to have real bathrooms this summer. Apparently the trailer with the bathrooms has been removed and will be replaced by Porta Potties.

The story actually starts out positively, reporting that Menauhant is slated to receive 22,000 yards of fresh sand, but quickly turns sour. Let’s get to breaking it down…

(click here for the entire story)

After hearing a report that the town got a bargain in placing 22,000 cubic yards of fresh sand on the East Falmouth beach, selectmen pressed beach Superintendent Donald Hoffer on why a trailer equipped with men’s and women’s rooms had been removed.

Selectman Brent Putnam criticized having a “nicely nourished beach and no bathhouse.”

Selectman Putnam should be commended here for not drinking the good news kool aid. Good job Brent.

“We’re taking away from the people of East Falmouth who use that beach,” said town meeting member Adrian Dufresne, a former selectman and beach committee member. “For a lousy $15,000 or $18,000 we’re going to deny people a benefit at that beach.”

Another steward of the center of the universe that should be commended.

Do you notice how we aren’t as fired up as we should be about this? Here’s is the thing, normally we would be outraged. In any other circumstance we would be preparing for war over this bathroom injustice, I mean they would never dare to remove the bathrooms at Old Silver right?

Well unfortunately Brent and Adrian and everyone else is missing the biggest problem this story exposes. Take a look at this…

Menauhant Beach was nourished with spoils from a dredge project in Woods Hole. The bulk of the $265,000 price tag was paid for through a grant by the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, which needed the Woods Hole harbor dredged to make way for a research vessel.

What the fu%k!? They slip this shit in at the end like it’s a footnote or something? Who the hell approved this? We don’t want Woods Hole sand all dirty hippying up the 02536! This is outrageous, people’s feet are going to be growing birkenstocks on them after a stroll on the beach! It’s going to smell like patchouli from Green Pond to Kenyon’s!

My god who cares if you have to crap in a porta potty? That will be the least of our problems when we are growing dreadlocks between our toes and granola bars are falling from the sky! Is it too late to take it back? Have our children already voted for Ralph Nader?

This has to be some kind of conspiracy, where is the outrage? Could you imagine what the Wood’s Hole reaction would be if we dumped 22,000 gallons of kale soup on their community center?

I can’t take it, if anyone would like to join me I’ll be spending the rest of the week transporting this tainted sand back to the Hole where it belongs.

This is like if you found out that your sister is having your worst enemies baby. I don’t know if I will ever be able to look at Menauhant the same, I mean I’ll still have to deal with it a few days a year like Thanksgiving and Christmas, but other than that our relationship is probably pretty much over.

Ugh… I feel like I just got a blood transfusion with blood donated by Derek Jeter…

p.s. voting for the final four ends today at 5 p.m.

The Sweet 0253sixteen is fun and all, but we need to get back to doing what we are supposed to be doing here, representing the center of the universe. Our main responsibility is to seek out injustice and misinformation about the 02536 in order to expose it and to shed light on stories of greatness in the Caligula of the peninsula.

Today we have two stories that need to be told. The first is not a new phenomenon but it is one of the ongoing fights we face as a zip code… Ballymeade and their deep conspiracy to reject the code and not admit they are located firmly in the 02536.

In the midst of our ever widening 025threesearch we came across yet another rotten apple on the compost pile of rejection that is Ballymeades treatment of its zip. A post at one of the most god awful, carpetbagging websites we have come across a website run by understanding people who admit their mistakes is perpetuating the myth.

Since we are stewards of the center of the universe, we have done our part to debunk the lore of Bullymeade by posting the truth in the comment section of said post. Click here to visit the post in which the crime takes place, we urge you, the citizens, to get involved by commenting about this grave deceit. Let’s hit them with outrage, let them know we demand the truth about the 02536 and send a message to all other outsiders in the process. A message proclaiming that the stewards of the code will be there on the front lines to meet any disrespect head on!

UPDATE: The 02536 army has succeeded in reversing this injustice!

This next story is one of 02536 triumph. Of the little man thriving in the center of the universe and doing the right thing when they outgrow their humble beginnings. The Cape Cod Church on Teaticket Highway is a grass roots operation that started like most in the 02536, with humble beginnings. The Enterprise reports:

Their first service, he remembered, was held in the living room of their condominium with just the two of them making up the congregation. “We skipped the music, opened a Bible, and took an offering,” he said.

The next week some friends drove down from Norton. The following week, more people came. A few months later, they rented the basement of the Bennett Plumbing building on Rose Morin Drive in Falmouth.

Five years after that they purchased a property on Teaticket Highway and held services there.

By 1999, they had outgrown the facilities again and constructed a new worship center, a 3,500-square-foot addition, where they currently hold services.

“We started to grow and we never stopped,” Mr. Feldott said. Every Sunday, he said, about 600 people show up for three services, part of a congregation of about 1,000 people. The regulars are asked to park down the street at Falmouth Lumber, so there are parking spaces available to newcomers. “

Warms the heart doesn’t it? You know what keeps the heart warm? The Cape Cod Church has outgrown its facility, so what are they going to do? Pick up and move to some other place? Build a church in Ballymeade and tell everyone they are in North Falmouth? No. They did what people who know who they are and where they came from do, they didn’t mess with the worlds most perfect recipe for success: Address + 02536 = Awesome Sauce:

Mr. Feldott had just finalized paperwork to purchase 10 acres between Currier Road and Plum Hollow Road, Hatchville, across the street from the Barnstable County Fairgrounds.

“In some ways, when I look (at the property) I see the youth ministry. I see open space, and ball fields, and outside events.”

Now that is what I am talking about. A congregation born in the 02536, grows in the 02536 and stays in the 02536. A story like that is enough to warm the heart of the most reptilian of Ballymeadians.

Side note: If you’re wondering what it is that has made the Cape Cod Church grow so fast, check this out…

Mr. Feldott gave three reasons for their exponential growth: the music, the message, and the people.

The music is a group of about 20 musicians, including a brass section, called the Worship Team. They have professional quality audio and video equipment and a computerized lighting system.

Professional quality audio? Computerized lighting system? Holy shit, they are putting on Pink Floyd style shows in that place? Jesus Christ I need to get down there, no wonder they are outgrowing their venue!

Do you think they’ll take in a goat with a potty mouth who takes the lords name in vain while describing their services?

By now everyone has read the story about the guy who found 10 human teeth in a wallet he was going to buy in the 02536 Wal-Mart. In case you live under a rock, or have been middle of the winter drunk for the last three days (knowing our readers both are a strong possibility) click here for the entire story. Here is the first excerpt:

“A Wal-Mart customer shopping for a new wallet Saturday night found 10 human teeth while looking through a billfold he was about to buy, the police said yesterday.

Police said the man was shopping in the Teaticket Highway store at 9:58 p.m. when he unzipped one of the wallet’s compartments and discovered what police have identified as 10 human teeth. One of the teeth — which police said are from an adult — had a filling, police said”

Are you thinking what I am thinking? What an incredible marketing tactic! After all, I don’t know if you realize it or not, but we are in a recession. What does a wallet cost at Wal-Mart, $1.29? I mean even with the best of insurance the co-pay at the dentist is going to dwarf that. 10 teeth for $1.29? I guarantee wallet sales at Wal-Mart in Teaticket are up 834% since this incident.

Imagine all the ghetto birds flocking in to try and score some chiclets for their dome pieces. That is not even to mention the people coming in from the big city (02540). We heard from a source on the street that the Towne Tavern had taken up a collection and sent the bartender to Wal-Mart to wipe out the wallet section a mere hours after this story broke.

“”We’re not aware of anything like this happening in the past, and we believe this to be an isolated incident,” said Ashley Hardie, a Wal-Mart spokeswoman.”

Isolated my ass, once the numbers come in and the other Wal-Marts catch wind of the $2.4 million in wallet sales the Teaticket store does in the next three days, mark my words, teeth will be popping up everwhere. I predict that by Tuesday a Wal-Mart employee in Arkansas mysteriously finds 10 teeth in the pocket of a pair of Wranglers. The next day that place will be more packed with rednecks than it was on “get a free can of Skoal when you buy a  ribbed tank top” day.

I’m telling you, don’t be fooled folks, this was no “accident” or “isolated incident”. Tough economic times call for crazy new marketing techniques. It won’t be long before someone finds a years supply of penicillin in a bag of goldfish. It’s pure genius.

In other news we just wanted to apologize to the reader who ordered a go2536 T-shirt and accidentally received a $100 bill and a bar of gold. We are pretty sure it was an “isolated incident”. We think.

Big thanks to Andy N. for the tip

While surfing the Cape Cod Times website, we found an East Falmouth story as old as time itself. A story of overcoming adversity, a story of courage, a story of East Falmouth Ingenuity.

Here is an excerpt from the story:

HYANNIS — A Barnstable police detective was in “total shock” Monday night when, while patrolling Main Street looking for drug transactions, a 39-year-old East Falmouth woman jumped into his car and attempted to sell sex to the plainclothes detective, according to the police report and Barnstable police officials.

You know why this detective was in “total shock” right? Because everyone knows East Falmouth ladies are way too good for Barnstable losers. He could probably smell the 02536 awesome sauce on her and got all confused by her advances towards him. He’s used to dirty Yarmouth girls, not the top notch talent coming out of the 02536.

Here is a little more detail:

Before the officer could roll down his window to ask her if she needed some help, Kelley said that Azarian opened his door and “jumped” into the passenger side of his vehicle, even sitting on top of a set of handcuffs and other police equipment. Once inside, Azarian asked the officer if he was “playing” or “looking for fun,” the report said. Kelley played along.

This my friends is what we call proactive selling. While all the inept Hyannis Hos were wandering around aimlessly, our hero2536 was taking the bull by the horns and making things happen. They teach you this technique on day one at “Pookies East Falmouth School of Selling Nookie”, if a car stops within twelve feet of you, there is a 93% chance they are looking to pay for some booty. This is common knowledge in the 02536.

Here is what happened next to our lovely lady:

Azarian then stated that they had to be careful because of the police and directed the detective to drive back into the parking lot and to park at the other end, by the Best Value Motel, the report said. Azarian then offered Kelley sex for $100.

Folks Desiree Azarian should be commended. While other people are sitting home, complaining about the terrible economy and waiting for a stimulus check, Desiree is out creating her own “stimulus check” (if you know what I mean).

In these dire economic times it is refreshing to see a woman out there meeting life head on. We in the go2536 should all feel a great swelling of pride that we have such a hard working, go getting, upstanding ho2536 out there in Hy-Town representing us.

Somebody get that gal a shirt!

We tend to stay away from political issues here at the go2536. Luckily, while we are reporting on such hard hitting issues as the Carleton Circle Motel trying to say they are located in Falmouth, there is another steward of the center of the universe at work out there tackling politics.

We can not say how happy we were to find out that the Freedom Fighter From Fisherman’s Cove, Troy Clarkson, now has a column in the Enterprise. The towns finest Op-Ed writer has finally joined forces with the flagship publication of the 02536.

As a long time  friend of Troy and his family, the goat has followed his career closely. If you haven’t been following, just read a few of his past opinion pieces by clicking here. It will become very obvious, very quickly why we are fans. Troy pulls no punches whatsoever, he has the kind of balls that could only have been shaped and polished in the 02536, if he doesn’t like what you’re doing, he will call you out… by name… no matter who you are.

I admittedly disagree with many of his opinions on national politics, but I rarely disagree on his opinions of local goings on. Either way, no matter how you feel about his politics, you have to respect someone that will express their opinions with such fervor and irreverence towards the line-toeing political correctness we have all become so accustomed to.

Troys first column was in fridays Enterprise and coincedently opined on  a prior story that we intended to do a piece on. Well no need for that, Troy nailed it. Here is the opening paragraph…

“Please tell me if I missed some gripping event in our community history, but when did the Meineke building on Main Street become historic? The Falmouth Historic Commission, thanks to a $30,000 study conducted by Larson Fisher Associates of Woodstock, New York (insert your own joke here), has embarked on an eternally subjective and never-ending quest to tell us what buildings should be added to the local cultural resources inventory.”

(insert your own joke here) Why thank you Troy, I believe I will. New York?!?! NEW F%*#ING YORK!?!? They have to be kidding with that right? Not only is that like having a sober Norwegian guy judge a linguica contest, it also has the added screw you element of contributing to the economy of the home state of the Yankees, Jets and Giants. Why not just give David Tyree and Bucky Dent the keys to the friggin’ town while you’re at it?

Troy keeps chuggin along and gaining steam for a while and then pulls out his 0253six-shooter and fires off a few warning shots with this paragraph…

“Other than withstanding some revolutions around the sun, how can simple age equate with historic value? Take the Emerald House and its environs, for instance. That East Falmouth landmark is more than just a house on Davisville. It captures the rich cultural and agricultural history of an entire zip code, of a generation of Falmouthites, and the Portuguese people because of what happened inside its walls and around its property. It is a living history of our community. Many of the houses nearby are simply old homes, where we played ding-dong-ditch on the way to East Falmouth School.”

Ummm… for those of you keeping score at home that is Troy-7 and everyone outside of our zip code-0. He just managed to represent the Emerald House, East Falmouth, Davisville, the zip code, Portuguese people, ding-dong-ditch, and East Falmouth School in one paragraph. The secret is revealed, that is the recipe for awesome sauce right there.

I would like to take this opportunity to remind the Falmouth Historic Commission to tip their waiter… because you my friends, just got served.

Folks, how can you not feel as though we are well represented in the zip these days. We have representation on the streets, on the internet and in print. We are so proud right now we’re not even going to mention that Troy moved from Davisville to North Falmou…  oops. It’s alright Troy, you will always have an honorary ghetto pass as far as we are concerned.