The Cape Cod Times is reporting that Menauhant Beach is not going to have real bathrooms this summer. Apparently the trailer with the bathrooms has been removed and will be replaced by Porta Potties.

The story actually starts out positively, reporting that Menauhant is slated to receive 22,000 yards of fresh sand, but quickly turns sour. Let’s get to breaking it down…

(click here for the entire story)

After hearing a report that the town got a bargain in placing 22,000 cubic yards of fresh sand on the East Falmouth beach, selectmen pressed beach Superintendent Donald Hoffer on why a trailer equipped with men’s and women’s rooms had been removed.

Selectman Brent Putnam criticized having a “nicely nourished beach and no bathhouse.”

Selectman Putnam should be commended here for not drinking the good news kool aid. Good job Brent.

“We’re taking away from the people of East Falmouth who use that beach,” said town meeting member Adrian Dufresne, a former selectman and beach committee member. “For a lousy $15,000 or $18,000 we’re going to deny people a benefit at that beach.”

Another steward of the center of the universe that should be commended.

Do you notice how we aren’t as fired up as we should be about this? Here’s is the thing, normally we would be outraged. In any other circumstance we would be preparing for war over this bathroom injustice, I mean they would never dare to remove the bathrooms at Old Silver right?

Well unfortunately Brent and Adrian and everyone else is missing the biggest problem this story exposes. Take a look at this…

Menauhant Beach was nourished with spoils from a dredge project in Woods Hole. The bulk of the $265,000 price tag was paid for through a grant by the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, which needed the Woods Hole harbor dredged to make way for a research vessel.

What the fu%k!? They slip this shit in at the end like it’s a footnote or something? Who the hell approved this? We don’t want Woods Hole sand all dirty hippying up the 02536! This is outrageous, people’s feet are going to be growing birkenstocks on them after a stroll on the beach! It’s going to smell like patchouli from Green Pond to Kenyon’s!

My god who cares if you have to crap in a porta potty? That will be the least of our problems when we are growing dreadlocks between our toes and granola bars are falling from the sky! Is it too late to take it back? Have our children already voted for Ralph Nader?

This has to be some kind of conspiracy, where is the outrage? Could you imagine what the Wood’s Hole reaction would be if we dumped 22,000 gallons of kale soup on their community center?

I can’t take it, if anyone would like to join me I’ll be spending the rest of the week transporting this tainted sand back to the Hole where it belongs.

This is like if you found out that your sister is having your worst enemies baby. I don’t know if I will ever be able to look at Menauhant the same, I mean I’ll still have to deal with it a few days a year like Thanksgiving and Christmas, but other than that our relationship is probably pretty much over.

Ugh… I feel like I just got a blood transfusion with blood donated by Derek Jeter…

p.s. voting for the final four ends today at 5 p.m.

We tend to stay away from political issues here at the go2536. Luckily, while we are reporting on such hard hitting issues as the Carleton Circle Motel trying to say they are located in Falmouth, there is another steward of the center of the universe at work out there tackling politics.

We can not say how happy we were to find out that the Freedom Fighter From Fisherman’s Cove, Troy Clarkson, now has a column in the Enterprise. The towns finest Op-Ed writer has finally joined forces with the flagship publication of the 02536.

As a long time  friend of Troy and his family, the goat has followed his career closely. If you haven’t been following, just read a few of his past opinion pieces by clicking here. It will become very obvious, very quickly why we are fans. Troy pulls no punches whatsoever, he has the kind of balls that could only have been shaped and polished in the 02536, if he doesn’t like what you’re doing, he will call you out… by name… no matter who you are.

I admittedly disagree with many of his opinions on national politics, but I rarely disagree on his opinions of local goings on. Either way, no matter how you feel about his politics, you have to respect someone that will express their opinions with such fervor and irreverence towards the line-toeing political correctness we have all become so accustomed to.

Troys first column was in fridays Enterprise and coincedently opined on  a prior story that we intended to do a piece on. Well no need for that, Troy nailed it. Here is the opening paragraph…

“Please tell me if I missed some gripping event in our community history, but when did the Meineke building on Main Street become historic? The Falmouth Historic Commission, thanks to a $30,000 study conducted by Larson Fisher Associates of Woodstock, New York (insert your own joke here), has embarked on an eternally subjective and never-ending quest to tell us what buildings should be added to the local cultural resources inventory.”

(insert your own joke here) Why thank you Troy, I believe I will. New York?!?! NEW F%*#ING YORK!?!? They have to be kidding with that right? Not only is that like having a sober Norwegian guy judge a linguica contest, it also has the added screw you element of contributing to the economy of the home state of the Yankees, Jets and Giants. Why not just give David Tyree and Bucky Dent the keys to the friggin’ town while you’re at it?

Troy keeps chuggin along and gaining steam for a while and then pulls out his 0253six-shooter and fires off a few warning shots with this paragraph…

“Other than withstanding some revolutions around the sun, how can simple age equate with historic value? Take the Emerald House and its environs, for instance. That East Falmouth landmark is more than just a house on Davisville. It captures the rich cultural and agricultural history of an entire zip code, of a generation of Falmouthites, and the Portuguese people because of what happened inside its walls and around its property. It is a living history of our community. Many of the houses nearby are simply old homes, where we played ding-dong-ditch on the way to East Falmouth School.”

Ummm… for those of you keeping score at home that is Troy-7 and everyone outside of our zip code-0. He just managed to represent the Emerald House, East Falmouth, Davisville, the zip code, Portuguese people, ding-dong-ditch, and East Falmouth School in one paragraph. The secret is revealed, that is the recipe for awesome sauce right there.

I would like to take this opportunity to remind the Falmouth Historic Commission to tip their waiter… because you my friends, just got served.

Folks, how can you not feel as though we are well represented in the zip these days. We have representation on the streets, on the internet and in print. We are so proud right now we’re not even going to mention that Troy moved from Davisville to North Falmou…  oops. It’s alright Troy, you will always have an honorary ghetto pass as far as we are concerned.