The Cape Cod Times is reporting that Menauhant Beach is not going to have real bathrooms this summer. Apparently the trailer with the bathrooms has been removed and will be replaced by Porta Potties.

The story actually starts out positively, reporting that Menauhant is slated to receive 22,000 yards of fresh sand, but quickly turns sour. Let’s get to breaking it down…

(click here for the entire story)

After hearing a report that the town got a bargain in placing 22,000 cubic yards of fresh sand on the East Falmouth beach, selectmen pressed beach Superintendent Donald Hoffer on why a trailer equipped with men’s and women’s rooms had been removed.

Selectman Brent Putnam criticized having a “nicely nourished beach and no bathhouse.”

Selectman Putnam should be commended here for not drinking the good news kool aid. Good job Brent.

“We’re taking away from the people of East Falmouth who use that beach,” said town meeting member Adrian Dufresne, a former selectman and beach committee member. “For a lousy $15,000 or $18,000 we’re going to deny people a benefit at that beach.”

Another steward of the center of the universe that should be commended.

Do you notice how we aren’t as fired up as we should be about this? Here’s is the thing, normally we would be outraged. In any other circumstance we would be preparing for war over this bathroom injustice, I mean they would never dare to remove the bathrooms at Old Silver right?

Well unfortunately Brent and Adrian and everyone else is missing the biggest problem this story exposes. Take a look at this…

Menauhant Beach was nourished with spoils from a dredge project in Woods Hole. The bulk of the $265,000 price tag was paid for through a grant by the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, which needed the Woods Hole harbor dredged to make way for a research vessel.

What the fu%k!? They slip this shit in at the end like it’s a footnote or something? Who the hell approved this? We don’t want Woods Hole sand all dirty hippying up the 02536! This is outrageous, people’s feet are going to be growing birkenstocks on them after a stroll on the beach! It’s going to smell like patchouli from Green Pond to Kenyon’s!

My god who cares if you have to crap in a porta potty? That will be the least of our problems when we are growing dreadlocks between our toes and granola bars are falling from the sky! Is it too late to take it back? Have our children already voted for Ralph Nader?

This has to be some kind of conspiracy, where is the outrage? Could you imagine what the Wood’s Hole reaction would be if we dumped 22,000 gallons of kale soup on their community center?

I can’t take it, if anyone would like to join me I’ll be spending the rest of the week transporting this tainted sand back to the Hole where it belongs.

This is like if you found out that your sister is having your worst enemies baby. I don’t know if I will ever be able to look at Menauhant the same, I mean I’ll still have to deal with it a few days a year like Thanksgiving and Christmas, but other than that our relationship is probably pretty much over.

Ugh… I feel like I just got a blood transfusion with blood donated by Derek Jeter…

p.s. voting for the final four ends today at 5 p.m.