Well ladies and gentlemen our esteemed state representative Matt Patrick has officially been nominated for the “waste of everyone’s time” award for government lunacy. He has filed legislation, on behalf of schoolchildren apparently, to make the fourth Wednesday of every January “No name calling day”.

This will launch our first official yearly tradition here at go2536.com as from now on, every fourth Wednesday of January we will call Matt Patrick a new insulting and derogatory name like “dumb-ass”, “doucheface”, or “Woods Hole”.

Seriously how awful of an idea is this? Name calling is one of the great pastimes of youth. A game of “yo mamma so ugly” is a right of passage (that MTV and Fez did their best to ruin). A childhood with no name calling would not only be boring, but it would set the stage for a tough adulthood, especially as a Masshole.

Imagine your son little Timmy (Numb Nuts) just got his license and he accidently cuts somebody off. Said driver responds reasonably and appropriately by leaning on the horn and calling Timmy an asshole. Because he grew up in a Matt Patrick inspired Utopian society Timmy is shocked, starts crying and drives off the road. Your new Camry just got totaled, and there is only one person to blame… Matt Patrick!

The other inherent problem with this legislation is that the single best way to get a kid to do something is to tell them not to. This is not rocket science, but apparently it is lost on our fearless representative. I will give you a 98% goat guarantee that name calling will increase 782% on this fateful Wednesday next year. Cries of “It’s no name calling day… DICKHEAD!” will be ringing out from the Big Toys of Teaticket and East Falmouth Elementary schools like the trill of the Seacoast Bird. (In North Falmouth you will probably hear things like “I like the way you have your collar up on your pink Izod Peter”)

Does Matt Patrick have nothing better to do with his time than to sissify other people’s children? Mark my words, next year on “No name calling day” the goat will saddle up the fastest horse in the 02536 and ride through the streets calling everyone and their mothers names as if I were the Paul Revere of insults, ending at the home of Matt Patrick with a grand finale like barrage of “toolbags”, “cock lips” and “asshats”.

Oh and what the hell is Don Rickles going to do on that day? Seriously, did you ever think about the fact that you cost poor Don Rickles a day of work Matt?

Asshole.